doin' good/ cold's gone, xmas superb and now sip a cold beer & type upon my new hp notebook...very nice/ sober over xmas bar a touch of champagne so back right on the piss avec my bro when we returned yesterday/ fuck me i love my new notebook - 'tis truly ill fam, get me?/ bizat...

listening to radio 3/ takes me back/ feeling good apart from a crippling cold/ however hopped-up on ibuprofen, paracetamol, asprin & a host of vitamins/ off to parents for xmas soon/ should be nice, the bouguois comforts of home/ also've not seen my brother for months/ what else...dj-ing new year's eve, again for booze & no doubt to a crowd of criminals and the mentally divergent/ another work do last friday at which i was very well behaved, drank only 7 pints and left by 11 pm/ missed the pogues on saturday but no matter/ what's another year, eh shane...

so quack...?/ drinking beer & whiskey and devising my dj set for tonight/ what's happened d'late?/ went to xmas bash, had a great time, got viciously drunk and arrested (erroneously)/ then next day had some palz round, drank wine and felt better/ monday nothing/ tuesday interviewed eddie kramer/ wednesday got drunk/ tonight dj-ing for pints, a set of soul, funk & hip-hop/ recognize...

feeling terrible, something of a stomach disturbance/ i speculate it might be the mild drinking of the past three and one half years/ this malady colours my every thought, makes all seem threatening and hopeless/ for one with my particular bent of mind, any further pain is really quite unnecessary/ born to suffer...

doin' 'k'/ wine and beer d'late so no suicidal feelings in the early morn./ currently drinking rouge and listening to miles, straight no chaser/ not much is news/ another annoyingly successful day at work on saturday/ sunday got very drunk on polish beer and french wine and watched the abysmal batman begins, followed by the lamentable the hills have eyes/ i watch maybe 5 hours of television a month and it's far too much/ it spews forth little but poisonous vomit/ vile/ any-route...so jeff mills show going out on friday/ what else...need to take a bath and shave my head/ office christmas party this coming saturday which, aside from the free booze, should be excruciating/ bizat...

doin' marginally/ went on an ill-advised and unsuccessful smack mission at 3 am this morn./ got to bed at 4 am and then up at 9 am/ had to sort out some shit at the job centre and then bought a small bottle of famous grouse and sat in the library reading diary excerpts of joe orton, gide and others, comfortable in my solitude/ then met the alba but she to a friends & i, not wishing to be surrounded by nattering women, bought some cheap whiskey and now sit drinking and listening to son house/ what else...yeah not doing too bad generally/ heroin cravings have unexpectedly returned with full force/ rather my willingness to throw all to the wind and score has returned, making for a very unpleasant time/ i just crave it so powerfully after a couple of drinks it's almost unbearable/ hummmm...../ so work tomorrow, nothing sunday then work monday and tuesday with the radio station consuming wednesday/ a bit run down as not taking my vit.s as assiduously as per/ oh well.../ what else?/ not unhappy, suicidal feelings kept at a distance by simply avoiding certain types &/or combinations of alcohol/ fuck it all...

doin' good/ gradually relearning the basics, i.e. bathing daily, clean clothes &c./ even using jo malone vit. e hand cream and expensive soaps/ sticking to the supplement routine which woks a treat - as yet i've not caught this rampant 'fluenza/ what else...drinking moderate/ pissed at work on tuesday and acquired a bottle of irish whiskey and a moleskin notebook before hand/ then yester night'd someone over for dinner, roast lamb, and drank whiskey and beer, waking to a managable psyche (in part because of the quality whiskey, je pense)/ then today sorted out guests for future shows, had a long bath, an exquisite and lengthy session of self-gratification, even though tonight i'm upon a promise of beautiful, ripe ass.../ anyway, not had a drink yet but about to then put on the supper/ briggerz nake...

doin' 'k'/ my rigorous routine of pillules is keeping the influ at bay/ drinking on thursday got a tad out of paw: 4 ltrz cider; 8 pints john smith's; one line of very powerful cocaine/ felt a little sketchy yester. so bed early then up around 2130 to listen to my show/ after a very nice blow-job went to sleep again/ not at work today as my bank is fucked by the weather and thus withdrawl nor card transaction can i make/ might go in for the post-noon but quite tempted by the chilled cider in my fridge/ hummmm..../ listening to my john the conquerer root, muddy waters/ bi-zat...

doin' alh fookin' raht, yah koont/ interviewing shaun ryder tomorrow, which should be nice/ today drinking woodford dry, a 5.3% cider of exquisite cheapness which makes me fluctuate between heaven and despair/ since i last wrote...got a weekly radio show, this next on bruch/ um, what else...'ve used once since my last post, much brown and a tiny bit of blanc but the consequences were not too severe/ drinking's fluctuating fae very heavy to mild to very heavy, currently residing at mild/ what else...nothing of great importance save a diet of smoked fish and health pillz is keeping me from the blade and/or bridge (which is nice)/ and that's it...

doin' ok/ drinking whiskey and enjoying a (partial) day off/ three more shows in the pipe line, which is nice/ drinking too much as usual but kept alive by good diet and 4 ltrs water per jour/ head been in a ripped state occasionally (e.g. m- & m- over sat. n'g't and we consume 11 btls wine between them, self and the albrect)/ got in trouble last week for smoking "god's own" for the first time in months/ why i have to confine myself to booze, a psychologically and physically ruinous drug, when the answer in in the poppy is beyond me/ "god's own" is viewed worse than a diseased and violent rat because of erroneous preconceptions/ conventional fucking wisdom is for retards/ and because of retard wisdom i suffer, drinking ocean after ocean of vile, toxic booze/ hopefully one day the poppy will be vindicated...

all good/ radio job goes well/ got a plenitude of shows, gigs & interviews plus my 1st full length show went out wed. 16th & was repeated friday/ 'd a g'd week tho' too pissed/ monday radio followed by 4 cans k/ tuesday gig so 1 btl whiskey and the band's entire 'rider' (free booze backstage)/ wednesday only 2 beers/ thursday 'd day off so early beers and wine then to m- 'n' m-'s for supper so four btls wine betwixt three/ friday alba to ikea so v- over/ we watched withnail... and raging bull and drank obscene amounts of wine/ then yester. work, home around six and 1 1/2 btls wine and 1/2 btl sherry/ a merry surfeit/ now drinking coffee and taking a variety of health pills, epa, vits, cital & asprin - my survival kit/ tomorrow i've to be out v. early but'll no doubt get pissed again tonight and it'll just keep rolling...

doin' f'in' ace/ the job at the radio station goes wonderfully - i have found my spiritual home/ got two one-h'r long shows next month on the b-l-u-s-e and plenty more work there besides/ i am actually happy with the work i'm engaged in/ bizat.../ exhausted tho' but in a good way/ living on special fried rice, wine and beer/ did some great interviews for the station yesterday at a festival/ my academic and musical predilections have finally found a creative outlet/ lucky moi...

doin' ok/ mildly hungover, first time in a week/ drank and cooked sublime food last night followed by uber-majik sex and then watched the wire/ bed around 0100/ my week's been ok - almost finished editing film at college, got a job next week at a radio station in l- bridge (tho' it does start on my b'day), carnival this weekend &c./ h'ever 'cause of the job can't get too wasted at carnival/ oh well.../ feeling good in the mind/ the tablets, which i take before bed, seem to be working/ eating a lot of fish, mackerel, salmon &c. and taking epa and vitamin tablets/ also off spirits/sticking to beer and wine/ got an app. at the doc.'s tonight so'll request more counselling/ one can't get enough...

doin' ok/ five days 'sober' (id est not drunk)/ few beers and a cpl whiskeys pre-supper and citalopram before bed works a treat/ my head's been ok(ish) for a while now/ not going back to mind distended & spread over ceiling, walls and floor/ innit?

now the comforting blanket of opiates and booze's been pulled back i'm raw and prone to serious fluctuations of mood/ e.g. at work i never bother to talk with many people, merely because i have no interest in doing so/ i was warned at my pay review this had been 'noted' and i was a 'strong presence' and should be wary of this/ i thought 'what the fuck, i don't notice other's, why should they notice me?'/ but on saturday i spoke to virtually no one, read my book and felt acutely aware that this bothered others/ consequently i thought about work after work, something i've not done before/ what is so wonderful about opiate intoxication is it allows me to behave as i want/ if i don't want to talk to people i don't and do not give a fuck/ however now i'm suffering unpleasant thoughts & emotions/ i love social contact and am usually very good at it/ however when i willingly slip below the radar and am not blanketed i experience strong feelings of paranoia and persecution/ but i am not willing to counter these by e.g. mingling when that is not what i want/ true the opiate-alcohol cocoon limits one, but i find it liberating because my emotions give me far too much grief/ hm...

doin' good/ made my first film yester: actors were on time, all went rather well, footage looks ok/ 'twas a larf and a good as-against for sitting in the house on a hot summer's day drinking...

feeling rather mental, consequence of citalopram and booze/ i am now resolved to quit - i cannot take this head-mess any more/ moreover it's bound to get worse/ it feels like cannabis psychosis so p'haps it's early alcohol dementia/ shit i'm only 29.../ anyway i have to quit, sort my head out once and for all: anti-depressants, counselling, positive activities &c/ i cannot go on like this...

doin' well/ friday palz over for bbq and pissed massively, four odd bottles of wine topped with wild sex of many hours/ then woke to a manageable bad head the following/ slept on-off most of the jour then a curry in the eve & early bed/ woke this morn feeling cleansed so to park with alba where met some friends for coffee, straight up/ now about to shop for lunch and attempt to avoid alcohol at least till this eve/ out...

doin' ok/ fell off the booze wagon in a major way - a four day bender involving countless bottles of wine and whiskey/ finally to bed at 1830 monday to wake suicidal tuesday at 0200/ h'ever battled thru college yester and felt ok when got home/ to bed at 2000 and miraculously slept till 0445, rising at 0555/ now drinking tea and trying to not think/ ease...

booze break's broken - yester 3 bierz and 1/3 btl whiskey/

bored shitless & reading bukowski/ trying to resist having a beer/ i don't actually want one but it's something to do like/ might go back to bed...

still fucking malady ridden so off work again/ got the job at the radio station, managed college and castings and a fairly busy week besides but feel death ravaged today/ had 11 days off booze tho' not consecutive - thursday night very pissed and stayed up till 0330 watching alien/ consumed a btl white, two guiness and 1/2 btl whiskey/ felt shocking the following day so after a visit to the doc.'s (he say i've a prolonged viral infection since the penicillin did jack shit) bed early after small drinks with v- und the alba/ today rose at 0615, drank coffee, felt shit so phone in sick and since've been reading about marvin gaye, listening to junior well's hoodoo man blues album and masturbating occasionally/ vice...

off to college today/ not completely better but must go in, timesheets &c./ listening to death of a disco dancer par the smiths/ stille off the booze.../ feeling pretty good, sleeping reasonably well so shall try and stick it out for 28 days/ vice...

feeling so much finer/ no booze in one whole week, throat better, almost completely, spirits restored &c/ will cancel work this eve as don't want to risk it - have to be better for college tomorrow/ keep this up & i'll be fired but whatever - some actual bad news'll be a refreshing change from all the bollox i fabricate in the mind.../ i mean what's the worst that can happen?/ any road, i'm on that twain - off to the doc.'s this after to get some cognitive behavioural therapy, get some control over the myre of my thoughts/ listening to the excellent nilsson schmilsson par harry nilsson, herbie flowers on bass/ very nice/ so yeah gonna do the 28 days detox and don't think it'll be a problem/ booze is a good boredem killer but in excess it's a true kunt, a true true cunt/ out...

marginally better today, agonising throat null'd with: 1000 mg paracetamol; 1000 mg ibuprofen; 1000 mg asprin; 100 mg penicillin; 1000 mg omega 3 oil; 1 multi-vit.; 2 pots kenyan coffee, noir/ nice...

my illness persists, now with an agonising sore throat/ the doc.'s put me on anti-biotics and i've got a bag full of ibuprofen, asprin, paracetamol and vitamins/ i feel like fucking shit/ missing college and a casting today and i'll probably miss the same tomorrow/ mcfuck/ 'tis a piss rat but what can one do?/ indeed...

no spirits in two weeks and one day/ doing much better, esp. mentally - feelings of anxiety and deep dread've been largely dispatched/ my appetite's back & i'm sleeping well/ i miss getting high (in the 30's sense, id est drunk) but the price became too high - horrific mental and physical side effects, missing work, profuse sweating (which i'd'd for 3 years but never accepted), arguing with the alba; in all a bad scene/ now i eat healthy food and drink a cpl beers and a btl wine per jour/ that's probably too much but better than 1 & 1 1/2 - 2 btls of vod. plus extras/ i hope it lasts/ i'm optimistic parce que i've sickened of the rollercoaster lifestyle/ i began daily smoking and swallowing drugs 15 years ago and each addiction i've taken to vile extremes/ now some of my demons've been laid to rest i'm hoping i can learn delayed gratification and make some sensible decisions - get my blood pressure down to a reasonable level, let my damaged liver and brain heal, &c./ if i can recover from acute cannabis psychosis, chronic heroin, crack and alcohol addiction i think i can achieve these things/ bizat...

feeling quite shit/ yester got pissed on k and said some mean things to the alba, these now resonating within my sodden skull/ oh well...

doing good tho' somewhat molested by k cider/ returning from college yesterday i felt unusually happy so secured a can/ this was succeeded by many more to the point of collapse around 2300/ bro over twain so spliffs and a good supper was had/ listening to the lamentable efforts of the germs on the complete anthology (mia)/ they're pretty amusing but i much prefer black randy and the metrosquad/ drinking black coffee and not sure what to do with the day (certainly not drink)/ anyway...

doing ok, it being the early morn./ up since 0510 as bed at 1930 la nuit d./ listening to bellini, la sonnambula, and drinking coffee/ going to college today of necessity (forms for continued employment &c.) then straight home/ anyway it does me well to leave the pit/ cannabis psychosis kept me house-bound for the worst 2 years of my life so lassitude brings foul memories/ my diet continues to armour my mental health/ feel better every day, anxiety at bay, paranoia (near) gone/ clearly quitting vodka's beneficial/ i can't even look at a bottle of that shit without wanting to puke/ hmm.../ anyway, hope this spell lasts/ i believe it'll last longer than my attempts to quit because i have other shit to do/ i'm thus quitting by diversion, not concentrating on quitting/ we'll see...

the old flu has fucked me hard/ almost fell down the stairs returning from college and now can't attend my interview for the radio station/ if i was depressed or stupid i'd say it was just my or bad luck/ indeed.../ so eating much poisson, drinking a medicinal cider and scribbling my inconsequential thoughts on the ether/ bizat...

when all is
well, i mean mostly
there is still the
emptiness of the
day

one maintains
stability, there are
glimpses of calm
happiness the
'old self'

but essentially
life is war a
battle, a struggle to
remain because what
else?

doing well/ bed before 2200, awake at 0430, up at 0530/ eating nectarines and yoghurt and contemplating another cup of costa rican/ getting up early is always a very bad idea but sometimes lying in bed awake and thinking is too frustrating/ hence a trade off (but isn't everything?)/ other than the sludginess of early rising feel good, esp. in the head where it counts/ flu seems to be retreating so work tonight, college demain/ didn't drink too much yester.: 2 biers and 1/2 btl crisp blanc/ need to quit booze for good or at least keep it at an acceptable level/ however i've relapsed so many times i don't even believe myself any more (tho' at the time i do mean to quit)/ in fact i'm not sure i've ever had a period of abstinence long enough to allow for a relapse/ anyhow, fuck it/ feel good and that's all that means anything/ ease...

mais re: the last post, fuck it/ got another bottle blanc, some change for k cider should i need to bludgeon my brain to sleep and now a fine supper awaits/ there is no fear in a bang, only in the anticipation of it/ it were 'itchcock said that/ smaht man 'im.../any-highway, must off and drink more/ tah-tah!

sipping dry white and listening to schubert, trying to recreate the bourgeois comforts of the parental home/ i want to be straight, i'm sick and tired of taking drugs and staying up late/ so bored but not anxious, which is nice/ need more booze and will no doubt get, though i've no money to pay my enormous phone bill, deficit in rent &c &c &c/ 've missed much work parce que of college, hangovers and recently illness so my pay packet'll be meagre/

feeling ok though still with flu/ ate fucking well yester but too many beers and much wine left a residue this morn./ hardly any money, only one beer and a bottle of wine in the fridge constitute a frustration/ currently re-reading burgess's inside mr enderby/ ate a sublime lunch of prawn and coconut broth with plain rice/ i'm back on a serious healthy food 'tip', my head ravaged with months of red meat and vodka/ also still off the vod. which is nice/ it's not my diet's ever been bad, just if you have fragile mental health and drink alot you must eat exceptionally well/ anyway, not done much today parce que the virus/ watched a bit of the big lebowski but couldn't be arsed post 15 mins/ uploaded some sublime handel and haydn to youtube.com/billyshitcheese/ and nowt else/ oh slept hours twain and one half in the after/ and c'est ca...

doing good/ off the vodka, the super strength cans and no substantial narcs since feb 14th '09/ back at college doing a course in film-making which goes well and 've an interview at a radio station this coming tues./ off work for sore throat and cold/ this constitutes slender concern as i've missed much/ h'ever i'm fucking good at my job and do not get paid when absent so all'll be fine/ trying to train my brain to deal only with situations (how many times must morbid projecting be proved wrong for me to abandon it?/ well i suppose it's a long habit so simple like dropping a cat)/ anyway...

bored shitless and not drinking so active i must be/ it's raining so i'm typing my thoughts, as dull as they certainly are/ listening to dillinger, jah love/ remarkably have resisted the can of special brew and one-half btl shiraz in my kitchen/ been pissing about with windows movie maker, uploaded a cpl tunes to youtube.com/billyshitcheese/ h'ever when uploading from cd i can't get 'round this message: .wma protected using digital rights management and therefore cannot be imported/ poor shame/ & i have so much to offer.../ any-path might take up a can and drink/ wish i'd some pollem and wasn't susceptible to pronounced attacks of cannabis psychosis/ for ten years i smoked day and night without realising it was fucking me up/ the moment of realistaion came when i could no longer control the fucked-up-ness/ shiver...

drinking cafe au milk and listening to ice cube, really doe, na-hoh/ a mild day yester of cooking and only special brews twain/ off to the cunt-re: for a few days this wed. for relaxation (although i do little else)/ missing heroin terribly, not just the drug but all that goes with it/ the weather today reminds me strongly of my addict days in nth ldn when i had a beautiful flat, lots of money and a fixed wheel steel bicycle i'd ride to the 'spot'/ the mind needs focus and for it's object to be highly desirable and attainable makes pour moi heroin addicition an almost perfect life choice/ oh and what just came on the aural box?: the only ones, baby's got a gun/ how they capture the ambience of the finest thing known to me/ in the words of shaun ryder, i think i did the right thing in slipping away, and the ache that's making me ache has gone for the day/ sensible indeed shaun, sensible indeed.../ shit i don't know/ things are never as one remembers them/ i've tried to recreate the past before and it is an enteprise destined to fail/ i currently cannot afford a habit in any sense tho' i crave god's own all the time/ i watch the wire obsessively for all the shots of 'drugs', the lingo, the 'hand-to-hands'/ my release is alcohol and the occassional few drams of methadone but it's really not the same/ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

doin' phyne/ up till late-late acquiring and drinking alcohol, listening to records and watching the wire/ i'm now mid-season 1 with season 2 already under my belt/ 'tis a truly excellent show, superior i think to the sopranos and the sheild, tho' they are nonetheless both excellent/ listening to buddy guy...

doin' bee-ann/ drinking a stella and typing/ been 'managing' my youtube channel, youtube.com/billyshitcheese, which has almost got a thousand hits and recently a second subscriber/ very exciting/ good days drinking and jazz with v- yester, mostly in the garden in my stylish new deck chairs, warmed by the glorious sun/ then some 60mls meth. la nuit d. tho' it touched the sides hardly, to my great disappointment/ taking it easy this eve.: duck a l'orange and some blanc then maybe...shit kens/ l8rz...

not sure about livers and enzymes but yester post a visit to v- to fix his hi-fi and paid in beer he and i to the super and the corner for btls blanc twain and beers six/ thus began a day of drinking and lisening of jazz music/ then my girl came home and said her mate was coming for supper, as was my sister, so we decided to have a bit of a party, and party we (especially i) did/ by the close of the eve twelve bottles of wine had been acquired in one manner or another and drunk, largely by me/ i was, i'm told, reasonably well behaved, which is something of a minor miracle, tho' my woman and sister'd to wrestle a large bottle of methadone from me/ today no booze and no anything else naughty/ killah...

doin' ok aside from punishing lethargy/ i could just stay in bed stop-full/ the blood tests show my kidneys are fine but my liver's enzyme levels aren't/ however that's apparently easily fixed/ hummm.../ drinking a morning beer, a rare occurance of late/ after the oh-dee i was reasonably well behaved before two slaughterhouses last week led me down, and some meth. use twain/ thus now i suffer/ when on a regular thing one can maintain for a long while but too much upheaval is not good for the body/ cogitate...

feeling ok/ recovery not exactly linear/ 'ving 'd a few dry-ish days, last night, my good pal v- in attendance and charles mingus on the aural box, consumed three beers, one glass vin red, two cans special brew and 40 mls m./ gouched very nicely and watched deliverance and the wire/ and c'est ca/ oh, and bathing regularly, to the shock of many/ innit...

doing good/ drinking green tea and listening to no loafing, black uhuru/ my dub forward-slash reggae obsession continues/ by what will i be obsessed next?/ ask the muses, bitch/ off to the doc.'s soon to get the old internals checked/ i feel a shit load better for quitting booze/ since my unfortunate incident last week i've'd only one relapse and aside from that two bottles of beer/ success...

doin' well/ no booze the last day, no m. the past twain/ feeling pretty good tho' lethargy and kidneys whom ache like fuckery constitute mild concerns/ reading bukowski, post office, again/ work today plus a host of chores/ getting my kidneys and liver tested thursday/ apparently i have early kidney damage and extensive scarring of the lungs, but i'm only 29 so i doubt these are intractable difficulties/ keep it deathly...

to bed at 0200 this morn. post 1 btl wine, 20cls meth. & 40cls vodka/ gouched deliciously, well within my limits/ a stark lesson have i learned/ been very good today/ only one small beer and one with supper/ just bought prince jammy, uhuru in dub, a very fine album indeed/ i am in the excellent position of now being able to enjoy dub immensely without any sensi/ jah...

man should be judged by his actions,
not intentions good or bad

pope

indeed/ glass of wine in hand, james brown on the stereo, i feel guurd!/ watch me!...

recovering from my first (and hopefully last) od/ tues. ngt was well, drinking with the woman and my sister/ i'd a lot to drink (5 btls wine, 1 can special brew and 2 cans stella) then decided to drink some methadone/ i downed 110mls, an amount which 1 month ago would've'd no effect, and the next thing i remember seemed as looking through a slide of a membrane, pulsing and awash with acid at the edges/ then snatches of wires and tubes and being moved around till a clear image of the recovery ward around noon/ apparently the ambulance crew when they first arrived thought i'd been sleeping outside my body was so cold/ they got my heart going and then it stopped again in the ambulance/ i have no reliable account of what happened other than i took a huge overdose/ this is the first time i've been out of bed in two days and i intend to stay off the fucking booze and leave the methadone alone, no matter how complicated i feel/ that said, and in spite of intentions, how can i possibly know?/...

doin' ow-kay/ listening to prince buster, hard man fe dead, a truly sublime skee-yah track/ no m. in four days, which is nice/ work la nuit d. was predictably easy tho' post-chaotic lifestyle some degree of regularity is certainly welcome/ but how many times's one heard in drugs/alcohol groups some imbecile claiming because they have a phone and are engaged in an amateur dramatics course life has gone from unbearable to supernal?...how they fool themselves and make relapse a dangerous, not pleasant, proposition)/ h'ver when regularity becomes inertia then chaos 'ere me come/ i suppose a functional member of society is one who can live comfortably 'twixt, tho' as plato said, what strange names are given to diseases/ bizat...

art from the 'artist'

when i
write it seems
pointless (trite)

'til recently i
harbored a
notion that
writing was
supernal

now i
realise there's no
point unless one is, e.g.
like a good
technician and has unconscious
drive

but with
that there is no
glamour

the fraud
assimilates aspects of, say
burroughs which are purely
incidental

tangiers was tangiers for
him; the same shitty
window framing limp
palm trees remains

'artists' are
reprehensible because they
moan and
bitch and dishonestly
assimilate

dh lawrence said it with
style in the first
lady chatterley

the focus of my
discontent changes
periodically but i'm
glad to be free

finally
of this childish love of 'the
arts'

plath would have
traded her sublime
verse for a
moments
peace

those who pray for the
converse are unconscionable
fools

far greater
art would
occur were it not for this
common and cozy
pretension

all mediocre/ just taken a bath (!), something my post-meth. body asks for/ the last time i gouched was friday night, spent saturday feeling horrific then slept sat night. (12 hrs), sun. after (7 hrs) then sun. night (12 hrs), many dreams of thwarted scoring and-set-er?-aaaah/ the dependency's broken but leaving a gap of three days seems not sufficient to ensure a decent high/ also it leaves one (me) trapped in a cycle of lethargy/ oh well, i'll get it licked/ a spliff of pollem to sensitize and i should get what i desire but the daemon cannabis psychosis sometimes gets thro' the door so that's a gamble/ oh death, where is thy sting?/ l8rz...

doin' bee-anne/ woke well enough, remnants of a meth. h'over deliciously weighing my veins to the mattress/ roused by cafe noo-are to the super-marcus-et for b'fast 4 the woe-man/ myself N-joyed zubr, a polski bier which has smoothed my muscles and allowed a temporary blanket of peace/ need to lay off the oh-pea-ates the next cpl days otherwise effect'll be none and pointless, suicide inspiring circularity'll to follow chill on the heels/ bliss, travellers...

eye-re:/ listening to the original coxsone produced road foggy, burning spear, which i've been looking for since 2001/ shit yeah/ no tea-aitch-see but some white vino atop some day bierz/ w'dn't mind sum joy bang (tiger juice) but work tomorrow and wake i shall not/ but those melting waves...oh!/ ne'r consciousness, innit?/ anywhich, when where and whom?/ i know, it's impossible/ get munted and be merri/ innit?...

doin' wellie wellie well/ slept much of thursday then up tille latte la nuit dern. drinking and watching crap tellie-box/ up now and drinking coffee and soon to the 'store' for provisos what i'll manipulate into luncheon/ got a black uhuru album in the post (coming hence that is)/ trying hard not to get the aitch/ innit...

all guurd/ ekooting twain henry cow, the long march and drinking gin/ stille off meth-dot-com tho' taking the occasional 'joy bang' and a surfiet of joy does it bring, brain and body gouch of an exquisite i've not courted since the glory days/ otherwise life is fairly unexceptional tho' i try to plod to not ponder the pointlessness (that'll be the gin)/ peese...

getting heavily into dub music again/ currently 'spinning' the congos, ark of the covenant/ need to sort out some disc jockey work fur cash/ got a job on k- hospital radio starting may and they put you through a course on how to do it, you know, produce shows like/ stille off methadone, which is great/ drinking not too bad: yester 6 day beers and a cpl whiskeys to induce slumber/ work goes well tho' exceedingly does it bore me/ although i go in there ripped to the tits most nights no one seems to mind/ keep it foolish...

alone last night i smoked some pollem and got in between the frequencies of dub music/ this was sur-divine till my thoughts turned to the ultimate groundedlessness of our concepts and this, being something the mind is not comfortable with plus the sensitizing effects of the thc, caused my brain to capsize somewhat/ thus i 30 mls methadone which, atop red wine, spliff and a tolerance of almost nothing caused luminous green waterfalls to pour soothingly down my front brain and limbs/ 'twas sheer divine/ gouched for the rest of the night and slept well in an empty bed/ enough said...

day four sans methadone/ 've managed to cut the drinking to 2 day cans and a one-half btl vino of an eve/ getting to sleep takes a little while, something i've not experienced in some time/ h'ever if i keep drinking in the manner of late i won't last much longer/ better on the brown, innit?/ bored as hell today/ carrying out mundane tasks and listening to a lot of happy mondays, for a change/ reading a book on sid vicious/ for a book by a music journalist it's not the most terrible writing i've ever encountered/ i intend to stay off gear, which shouldn't be too difficult/ the only places i know to score these parts are crack-houses of sorts ('friends' houses which each day flood with the various fuck-ups, hardcore crackheads and mental patients allowed out of s- mental institution on day release)/ i find these places infinitely depressing and 'ving to buy white and share it with the house owner is not economical/ if i'd a few guys like in nth ldn it might be different/ the GBP 10 i spend on booze a day would probably go on 'dark' (a sth ldn phrase, as against 'light' (crack))/ anyway, all this writing of drugs is causing me to salivate so i'm going to stop and've a slow and quiet beer/ laters beings...

stille off methadone/ the withdrawal became a little overwhelming at times but alcohol was there to prop me up/ work is well and i can't seem to do badly, no matter how arse-holed i am/ no idea how i got through yesterday, waking with a 9 beer and one 'fifth' whiskey hangover, but i did/ motion seems to be some form of saviour/ bizat...

off methadone!/ for the first time in 6 years i've had no methadone in days and nothing to substitute/ in fact the thought of picking-up is no temptation and the thought of methadone makes me sick/ not using for a cpl months has broken my psychological dependence on heroin and reducing methadone intake over a long period's meant the physical withdrawal's not been trop excruciating/divine/ i'm also sworn off the spirits and drink only beer/ 'd 6 persons over for luncheon yester and cooked a fantastic meal tho' i was so drunk i could barely stand/ currently reading kesey's one flew over the cuckoo's nest (again)/ listening to jimmy reed, you don't have to go/ stille buying records by the tonne/ work's going well which means i can get away with lunchtime drinking &c/ shit if i'd an island with no cheap off licenses i'd been off booze in a week/ hmm.../ oh and if anyone actually reads this (apart from my one loyal and wonderful fan) please check out youtube/billyshitcheese/ peace...

dropped another 2.5mls methadone yester and as per went on a two bottle vodka binge, whiling away the after upstairs blathering shit to my neighbours and smoking pollem/ i then returned home, necked a 'fatal' dose of anti-depressants and went to work/ i made it as far a e- before realising i'd loose my job if i turned up in that state/ so i went to house of m- but no one was there/ the door was open so i sat on the couch for a bit and freaked when i realised the furniture had changed and that perhaps someone else now lived there/ i left, tried to steal a side of parma ham from a deli and then bought a cpl beers for my homeward journey/ memory fails me after that/ i woke at 0530 to the dawn chorus and've been reading since/ rock 'n' stroll...

doin' g'd/ down to 5mls methadone and a cpl day beers, tho' sat. night was an all nighter thru till morning then the parents came and the sister yet i managed to cook and made it till 2130 b4 collapse/ got work later 'n' rx pick-up: routine, routine, routine/ listening to black grape, in the name of the father/ yes...

off to regarding-hab/ drinking's got bad-bad with behaviour that mirrors/ i've to wait a while as the wheels of the national health turn leadenley, but when ppl say if my father had money i'd ask him i reply in the words of withnail: if your father was my father you wouldn't get it/ humm...anyway all else is well/ many records arrive daily, which is gr't/ been stocking up on, as john peel would put it, the old blues masters (tho' i find that phrase pretty annoying)/ youtube.billyshitcheese has it's first subscriber, which is exciting/ i just need to sort out my computer and upload some stuff/ off to procure are-ex soon and then who knows/ currently reading hallelujah, the shaun ryder story which is something to do, like/

doin' gurd/ down to 7.5mls methadone thus the fin is in sight/ just been for long walk with the alba which was pleasant/ not drinking too much: last days 1 btl rouge and a cpl beers each day/ doing v. well at work so might stick it out and go for a manager's position/ i guess most jobs are pretty terrible so what the fook, like/ listening to tricky, maxinquaye, one of my favourite albums/ i've been listening to it for 14 years and it never gets tired or old (rather i never feel it does, innit?)/ v-'s stille on a tea-total tip so...well, it'll keep me off the spirits tho' i doubt he'll make it further than mid-next week, and i say that with benevolent optimism/ oh my...

i said bay-bee, i like the cut of your jay-eye-bee/ indeed/ all well/ v.'s off the booze/ i've'd a fairly sober week, 8 day beers wednesday and yester beers twain and few pots of red/ been trying unsuccessfully to upload songs to youtube/ billyshitcheese has it's first subscriber, which is nice, and is getting regular hits/ other than that all boo-eh-no/ been a very well behaved young malchick d'late and intend to continue thus/ in the words of keith richards, i'm thinking about buying a halo/ nice one, keith/

doin' g'd/ youtube.com/billyshitcheese grows steadily/ i need to get a vinyl converter so i can upload some tunes and really get things going/ been sober 3 1/2 days, which is great (sun.: i glass champagne; mon.: 2 beers; tues.: 1 beer)/ feel fantastic/ work boo-eh-no/ broke as shit-phuk so've'd to slow the record purchasing/ reading hem.'s for whom the bell tolls what is grOnd, giggos?/ quack else?/ hmmm/ nothing/ it's great when y'r straight...yeah!/

been rather remiss with my blog this last week as been working and drinking, both very hard/ also plenty people been bothering one (pleasantly tho') so've'd nicht chance to scribe (tho' i've not neglected youtube/billyshitcheese.com)/ valentines was nice tho' very drunken then to my grandmother's with pater and the woman where saw a cpl of my aunts and 'twas a pleasant time/ fri. 13th was uneventful/ the rest of the week is lost to me in a sea of spirits and the occasional joint (i find the psychosis stays at bay if my brain is sufficiently anesthetized)/ other than that nothing to report/ i'm very good at my job which makes existing a lot easier/ my gf wants me to go to rehab for my drinking but i'm not sure if it would work and my parents certainly won't and cough up the dough/ but i'm sober today and i guess that's something/

best friends with v- again/ he over last night for wine and much jazz (he's a trumpet player) so all's well/ work 2nite.../ er, it's raining?/ yes/

f'n' 'k'/ pater took us out for brunch, which was pretty excruciating/ he's not been too bad recently but today was a chore, to spit the minimum/ now home and drinking a beer/ feeling much better than the past cpl days/ seems this bug's not developed into anything serious/ avoiding v-/ bro might come over later/ still waiting on a tonne of vinyl: howlin' wolf; cap. beef.; them; champion jack dupree; hendrix; iggy; all held up by the weather/ a mate of mine complained about the postal services to the local member of parliment and's to be interviewed and photographed tomorrow by a cpl nearby newspapers/ should be a laugh, if he turns up and sober/ uh huh/

hummm.../ to bed early this last night as was feeling sous the weather (the ears again)/ v- decided to present himself to invite me upstairs and, constructing a twat of himself secured in me the opinion our friendship is at a close/ slept in till 1130, called in sick at work and've sat around listening to records: herbie hancock, headhunters; sly and the family stone, stand; van morrison astral weeks; and reading a series of memorable interviews published by the guardian newspaper/ 'tis pleasant tho' feel i like shite/ the alba is at the stores and upon her return i shall cook/ et c'est ca...

all g'd/ missed a blog yester as was bombed the night previous on methadone and spent much of the following day (yester) recovering/ i've been on a low dose with no use atop for so long my tolerance must've dwindled away to very little/ then yester night my brother came over bearing belated xmas gifts and we cooked a divine supper, drank rouge and smoked some weed/ the deck span much dr john and john coltrane then to bed around 2300/ because of the weather no post's been delivered all week so i'm hoping when il postino finally arrives it'll be with 10 records/ ummm...nothing else really/

doin' g'd/ yester around 0730 went in the divine early pastel dawn to the pharm en bus down iced roads & through snowed sidings/ 'twas truly beautiful tho' i shattered this charming picture occasionally by dipping into one flew over the cuckoo's nest, black snakes swarming from the page and into my brain/ it was an experience/ then home, wrote some poems for some magazine, drank only one bottle of wine and managed to sleep all night/ got up around 0745, finished the poems, submitted them and now...well, now await a response/ i've shut down my paypal account to curb my compulsive record purchasing/ and seh sah/ oh & don't forget

youttube.com/billyshitcheese

up trey ur-lee again/ sunday degenerated into a booze mess (1 'fifth' whiskey + several dbls; 1 pint lager; 1 can special brew; 1 bottle wine)/ made the gf b'fast in bed around 0800 then carried on drinking, the absence of methadone causing me many tears when listening to certain songs/ then up to v-'s who was acting a bit off/ we drank whiskey and ended up fighting, he trying to throw a punch in the fashion of a boxer (his dad was a boxer) causing me to double over with laughter/ he threw me out so my gf went up there to try and smooth things over/ went back to v-'s later with more whiskey and we'd a fairly pleasant after tho' my memory fails me around 1500/ woke around 0730 yester to be told what a terrible b'stard i'd been the day before/ h'ever snow'd blanketed london, the heaviest in 20 years (we'd a foot) and a good day ensued/ there was no transportation so we'd some of our neighbours over/ later the alba and i pursued an after of lust then slept till about 1600/ i couldn't get to work or to pick up my are-ex so thank wagon-christ i've a merry surfeit/ without it'd've been a 10 mile walk in the snows/ then to bed early post only one small glass of wine/ woke at 0300 clearly 'ving'd my kip (or sleep) quotient/ life will become more stable once the horror-go-round of methadone withdrawal's subsided/ peace/

up since obscenely early (0300) consequence of some fuck-wit phoning me at 0141 then 0143 wondering if i wanted to travel half way across london to get wasted/ double-u.tea.eff, as they say/ so, unable to sleep and no doubt perturbed by the reduction in methadone i rose and've been listening to music and buying albums i can't afford on ebay/ what a haul: iggy pop, wild child; sly and the family stone, stand; hendrix, live at monterey; happy mondays, peel sessions ep; captain beefheart, lick my decals off baby; hendrix, concerts/ my girlfriend is going to fucking crucify me but i simply could not help myself/ !/

fine day this day/ to give some context, yester day drank beer and listened to many records, retiring drunken mildly at 1830/ the alba to bed around 2300 tho' amazingly i did not wake and slept thru 'til 0730/ rose, downed a mere 10mls of methadone (i reduced to 10mls 3 days ago, hence my marathon sleep), drank coffee and went to work/ felt pretty raw en route tho' fine when i arrived/ pub at 1145 for a 'straighter' then again at lunch/ made my employer much money then purchased whiskey for the route home/ the weather was ice cold, knives through my thin trousers but the whiskey did abide/ now home and music-ing and soon to bed/ i will be opiate free...

all fine and moderate/ pater for lunch yester as per once a week, sister too as she off to switzerland for two weeks skiing (the injustice...)/ any-slope, drinking coffee, listening ltj bukem, atlantis/
nice/ am daily adding new quotes, pictures and, of course, 'tunes' to

youttube.com/billyshitcheese

chq it

doin' g'd tho' n'er smoking skunk again/ whoever grows it these days's got some sort of insanity wish/ i've n'er smoked anything so phenomenally powerful/ i was rooted to my seat yet travelling at high and heavy speeds through my head/ i had had several large whiskies and six pints and cannabis and alcohol is always a heady combination but this was something else/ in fact i've been refusing spliffs for a while so that i'm not used to it would also have contributed but whatever the reasons i'm back to complete skunk abstinence/ hash is fine, weed is fine but skunk, which was evil and strong when i used to sell it 10 years ago is now a hellhound from somewhere unpleasant/ my mates daughter, whose 18, smokes the stuff all day (such access is not always a good thing) and is entering the same monged, paranoid state that characterised my late teens and early 20's/ put it down kids, put it down...

an E-gurd day/ drinking bier and listening to van morrison's astral weeks on the deck/ 'tis a sublime album which i recommend unreservedly to anyone/ hummm.../ youtube.com/billyshitcheese goes well/ youtube it is certainly a fine place to discover and rediscover music/ i know there're many who feel it robs artists but since discovering youtube i've rekindled my love of vinyl and've spent several thousand GBP on albums i'd've not bought otherwise/ thus i feel it is an excellent advertising tool/ moreover there has, since the days of cassette recorders, existed the means to rob an artist (or, more pertinently, the record companies, man)/ anyway...

woke with wonderful energy this dawn after slender booze intake yester/ a very marvelous thing indeed/ listening takaaki itoh, we are the attack, a sledgehammer filled with subtlety/ drinking coffee/ i make very good coffee/ reading poetry review and private eye/ no work today so back to the writing/ oh and must to e- for are-ex at some then/ mup.../

doin' 'k'/ sun. night supper at v-'s with his family, mine and much wine and whiskey/ later, the company whittled down to me, c- and v-, c- bust out the c and we sniffed that hell till about 3am, plus whiskey and hashish/ 'twas over-fine/ then teetered home, slept and was whipped by a fair coke comedown the yester/ a beer at luncheon helped to ease then to e- fur are-ex then work till 2100/ got home around 2215, ate and went to bed, dreamt vividly and woke at 1030 this day feeling kms restored/ nice/

good day yester/ 'd fun reducing an absurd fool to size/ i have a problem, i know, trying to address issues with my father by pouncing on anyone i see the same bullish qualities in/ h'ever it is fun & they do deserve it (no one has the right to treat anyone like a twat simply because they're in a certain postion (and certainly not a manager in some meagre outfit))/ anyway, he's now a puppy, so all good/ yester morning just as i was 'out' hendrix, are you experienced and van morrison, astral weeks (both lavish 180gm reproductions) arrived, so i'd that as carrot for the day/ h'ever when returned home was so tired had supper and bed/ thus today must be of drinking and ekooting, nah?/ listening slick rick, adult song/

friday...in spite of my recent 'abstinence' started fair early yester, the whiskey and then a pint/ then a pre-lunch drink with father and an excellent lunch tho' i fell asleep at the table near the close/ slept prolifically thereafter, rising at 0845 this morn. to the bell of the postman with beastie boys, paul's boutique in paw/ my dad gave me some dollar for stiches yester so i'm reallocating funds to the vinyl cause/ 'tis pissing down this day/ might work on some poecy later/ 've to work all day and till late tomorrow so i'm'a make up some mix tapes (yes, tapes) to consume en route to and from/ vice/

turned up eff-(you-ommlaat)-aah work this good eve but was informed 'twas not my shift, tho' i'd worked one half hour by the clock-point they realised so ''ll be paid for that/ listening twain burning spear, traveling/ father taking us for lunch of-main/ sh'd be nice (in a sense, perhaps...whom of us ever kens, eh?)/ hm.../ drinking tyskie, a rather pleasant eastern euro. brew after small whiskey, 10cls, 4 units, 100mls, whichever/ i'm allowed no more as hyde (or 'cunt') i become (apparently...i can n'er remember)/ zummm.../

'd beers yester lunch 'n' after then a huge meal and so felt emotional en-route to work, the sheer effort of overcoming the pleasant somnolent effects of the alcohol and the warmth of the food &c&c&c/ 'twas a good eve./ i apparently have a natural talent for my job which means my line manager and 'graduate' manager are very happy = i can get away with stuff/ nice/ got home about 2300, ate, went to bed and am enjoying my second sequential h'over free day/ it is ace/ i've found the perfect way to curb my drinking: drink beer, say 3 pints, then when hunger presents itself eat a meal and i physically cannot drink any more/ if your serious about drinking, eating has to take at best a back seat/ as buk rightly said, 'the system can't handle too much'/ a magazine has tentatively accepted some of my new poems so if it goes ahead i'll publish the address to all you avid readers (ah..ha..ha..ha)/ pee-ass

doing good/ enjoying another h'over free morning/ managed two days, fri. 'n' sat., with no booze-O-hol then pissed it up something kronik sunday after and eve. listening to old nester marley and m'attack albums i dug out from behind the walls/ woke mon. with the vilest of h'overs which was only partially schooled by my doing other shit, like work and getting methadone?/ then came home and slept and woke feeling fine/ ah-eye?/ listening beastie boys, b-boy bouillabassie which is just too sick for expressions, statements, sentences, any composite of words or indeed words alone (tho' of course with a context)/ hum dum dee shite...so, coffee and morning and uh-huh, yeah?/

doing much little of large fascination d'late but what, ever?/ listening big daddy kane, warm it up, kane and it is good/ 've switched my expensive shure cartridge for the cheap one the deck came with as it sounds better (in some ways)/ the shure lacks punch and pace as it's heavy and the arm and weight are light/ this requires the counterweight to hang far back causing more vibration in the arm and less definition in the sound/both cartridge and deck are composites of materials selected for rigidity &c so it's poss. a good cart.'s properties will be counterbalanced by other components (in this case literally)/ whilst the shure is a superior cartridge, this arm and deck do not compliment it/ with a heavier counterweight and more solid deck the shure would sing as the closer to the pivot the weight sits the better the sound/ also because the plinth is flimsy, the heavier sound of the cheaper cart. is more satisfying/ so on balance the cheap cart. works better/ one often thinks decent kit will perform well no matter the context, but this simply isn't the case/ every part of a system, including the room, is important/ fascinating, eh?/ now listening too short, life is and drinking coffee/ drank very little yesterday so feeling pretty good/ also doing very little today/ can't be having peeps over till late then rolling in drunk tomorrow 'cause i'm sick of struggling through the jour/ i'd love to maintain sobriety but it hasn't happened yet/ thus i'll just try and enjoy whatever the moment brings...

passed (100% on the oral exam, 97% written) so begin on monday/ as much as i thought working in an office again would polish me off, this last week's been pretty good/ met some sound entities, there's a nice pub round the corner and more bucks means more vinyl/ i'll go back to writing but at the moment it interests me not uno-iota/ i'm considering training as a radio disk jock, which i'd love/ anywho, ecooting king bee, back by dope demand, and drinking ace coffee/ sister came for supper 'n' drinks yester 'n' i imbibed small and to bed fairly early so no h'over and quite rested/ vice!/

lengthy jour of training with final examination tomorrow/ h'ever managed to get in the local public for 1130, 1300 and 1700 with my neu drinking-associate d- and thus became a recognised regular in one day/ listening marshall jefferson, move your body/ drinking a mixture of brandy, whiskey and water/ c'est ca...

wasted last night, consequence of foolishly beginning on the whiskey sodas then brandy sodas then straight whiskey/ up to v-'s where met some wanker who runs his restaurant whom i'd to give a proficient schooling/ the bullying little bitch ran off into the night without even saying goodbye to his hosts/ result!/ then woke with a stille-drunk this morn. and'd to be at employ for 1000 (not too bad, d'course) and it turned out to be a good day/ then to e- for are-ex en route home and now typing (like, obviously?) and sipping and iced stella/ all's well, plus dr. john's remedies is on it ways home, id est here/ nyse...

doin' g'd/ dinner party sun. ngt got to bed at 0200 and then up at 0630 in the dark and wind to travel to a training day/ it went well then'd a pint with a guy who'd also attended and browsed some record shops/ home lateish and exhausted so to bed at 2100 where slept till 1020 this morn so feel much better/ got a few things to tie up today (fnar-fnar) then start work proper tomorrow/ hopefully the freelance scene will breath again soon but the job should be awright, like/ listening cap. beef., party of special things to do/ bizat...

barely awake/ stayed up with t'alba till about 0dukmrfjtwas little esdh, and la/ i'm leaving that in because it seems to capture my current state of mind quite accurately/ any box, slipping between wake and non-wake so''ll construct some scentene slater/ bizat, fu...

got the other job too so now i've to decide which/ it's all rather dreary but the journey back thru soho to purchase ornette coleman's the shape of jazz to come, whiskey and then down pall mall and across st james's park was divine indeed, a pastel pink and crystal blue sky and a rippling, freezing river winking diamonds/ god that sounds horribly literary/ the whole of central london is frozen, below zero at 1200, which is quite something/ listening to alfred cortot play liszt's hungarian rhapsody no. 2, about 20 versions of which've now been uploaded to youtube/ before one could only get live performances, one by maxim and one by lang-lang (which some people hate, though i think their hatred is nothing more than jealousy for his performance of it on radio 3 was virtuosic, to say the least) but now a whole plethora, some by the great masters of the past century, is available/ anyway, vurgen out...

listening edgard varese, arcana/ on visiting my drinking partner and local raging alcoholic v- he informed me he'd given up drinking tho' by the time i left he'd revised his position to 'a few days off'/ ha!/ will he last hours 24 is the question?/ i sincerely hope so/ little else to report/ got an appointment for another similar job demain, one closer and better paid so, if i get it, i'll turn down t'other/ it's funny hearing about my peers, all of whom are in highly paid or highly responsible jobs/ i simply have not the ambition/ as long as i can pay my rent, buy records and booze and have the leisure to read and listen to music i'm content/ and that's not a complacent attitude/ i simply gain far more from my lifestyle than say, working in derivatives or for the treasury/ i think some of them find it a little strange since i was the only one to get a first but i'm much happier now than when i was in pursuit of a doctorate/ in that instance i found the satisfaction somewhat deferred/ that plus it was the first time in my life i'd not been able to breeze through/ i'm a lazy sod/

up late last night arguing with some supposed composer about various things/ not a bad guy but he'd a tendency to miss the point, often to force his own, though i guess we're all guilty of that sometimes/ drank triple distilled vodka which leaves you feeling pretty much fine the following day/ my channel goes well at www.youtube.com/billyshitcheese/ a fine day here, much frost and sun set to pastel colours/ almost finished camus's the outsider which i'm spinning out/ my reading material's pretty much been limited to the private eye since i last devoured a cavalcade of novels/ my plan to read all the books i own before buying any more goes well also in that 've not bought any more and 've almost finished all those i own/ also maintaining at 15mls methadone, no use atop for a lengthy cycle and drinking's not too bad, so booze weight i'm shedding/ whenever i'm mildly inclined to score i consider how better my money could be spent/ e.g. i'd usually not balk at dropping GBP 50 on crack and heroin but would at GBP 39.99 on a jap. audiop. repressing of marley's catch a fire/ yesterday i'd the thought to score so ran home and bought the stooges fun house and cap.'s clear spot/ i find this policy works quite well/ any by-road, must drugs and alcohol services haringey (dash)/ l8rz...

early to bed l.n.d. and no booze so awake youngly this dawn/ listening cello song, nick drake/ there is such a lot of shite spoken about how the sixties was the dawn of open minded youth culture and so bollocks but the sooth be the best artists, drake, hendrix, beefheart, henry cow, we largely ignored, particualry in drake's crate/ the 'folkies' even refused to accept the best blues of act of the late 60's, junior wells, because of the way he dressed/ no doubt there were barriers broken but there are all the time and it has fuck all to do with decades, which is merely a neat way of compartmentailising to appeal to a consiousness with a love of simple binary choices/ i'm wary of any form of definition and particularly of movements (hippies, punks) who claim to be anti-establishment and in fact are even more facist in their tastes than the societies they claim to reject/ the human wanker, eh?/

doin' g'd/ on the scotch mist again last night, up at v-'s and relegated to the sofa/ woke in the beautiful mid-dawn to frosted windows and black ice/ then to the wonder-market for moloko where a woman was amusingly shoplifting, placing her wares in a bright pink suitcase/ needless to say she was detained on trying to exit/ clearly not an advocate of subltey/ of got job phoning people not too far from home and with flexible hours/ shd be a rrriot/ other than that...cap.'s spolight kid arrived this morn., beautiful 180gm/ not h'over tho' probably still drunken/ ate a near tonne of grapes and drank flagons of wasser and milk so should be oh-kay/ that's it/ oh and don't forget to check out my channel, billyshitcheese, at thou-tube/ got some great andy kaufman/ yeah!

feeling a dameron run-in, consequence of an intricate rainbow trout replica, nose slightly blocked/ whiskey is a cruel mistress/ any-who, albert collins, in love witcha, coming from my speakers/ have to go to e- for are-ex soon tho' snow falls outside/ looking for a job as freelance work is currently nowhere and i can't muster the enthusiasm to make money from letter writing and researching shitty articles for frog-fucker bi-monthly, and-set/ thinking about becoming a disc rider for radion (platon?), d'course/ i just have shit for ambition, any career i might have deemed desirable sullied by the detestable morons who inhabit them/ that plus an opposition to work engendered by a long running loathing of my father makes me a hopeless and frustrated consequence of my circumstances/ weak, you say?/ d'course/ admitting my failings glibly to defer responsibility?/ perhaps/ do i care?/ at some level (if that means anything, which is probably doesn't)/ n'er mind...oh and http://www.youtube.com/billyshitcheese

thu noo-eee dare-nee-eh? was fine fine fine, j- and i- over for supper and drinks, tho' started early at v-'s with smooth bushmills and zoot/ i played many records, apparently spoke extensively about captain beefheart and the happy mondays before v- popped down, trumpet in case in hand and freeing it played along to thelonious monk and sonny rollins/ currently listening street song, the 13th floor elevators/ go roky!/

feenin gurd/ trout mask replica, captain beefheart, arrived this morn., a beautiful 180gm repressing, gatefold sleeve an'-set-rah/ truly i covet such items, tho' my shit-slice flimsy deck is curtailing my enjoyment somewhat/ well rather i am/ i enjoy it to a point and then begin to obsess over minor defects in the sound quality and before the self is aware of it i'm sitting in tense agony, swearing the demise of my system/ however the deck does impair the sound quality, making the bass loose and and the treble somewhat splashy/ however other parts it registers exquisitely, such as the cello on donovan's hampstead incident/ currently listening to simple minds, don't forget about me/ cpl old mates over this eve for supper, what shd bee plezunt/ ovent seen quite a few of my old people since the old smack got a bit out of hand a few years back but, in a frenzy of benevolence, aided by anti-depressant and whiskey, i traced down a few vieulle numbers and've made plans to reunite with several each day from this one/ should be grand/ they've all possessed marriaged or bairn'd or the two, but at our age 'tis to be expected, j'gess/ now old main drag, the pogues/ wot a sung, nope?/ my thou-tube channel, billyshitcheese, grows is size and stature daily/ i am proud of it's bredth and depth, tho' the cap. and the early blues masters take weighty presidence/

doin' g'd'/ n't twain damaged by the new year tho' excess indulged me to some length/ saw in the ny at the flat with much champagne, brandy and whiskey, the alba, a cpl peoples other and many records/ then bored around 0300 and all shops asleep went to our local cafe which was open till beyond dawn and there we stayed till 0530, laughing hysterically at the entire darnce floor desparate to score before sun-up/