lack of sleep affects my disposition more profoundly than any toxin as it acts as a catalyst for a number of negative emotions/ i slept only two hours last night, a combination of quitting booze and far too much caffeine/ i think i slept from 0300 till about 0500, perhaps a little less, and rose at 0600 rather than lie there awake thinking about crap/ and oh lord, until i managed to sleep around 1400 this afternoon i felt anxious, extremely angry, insecure, a whole plethora of negative emotion crowded around me like angry ghouls/ so, back to drinking/ alba laid on the ultimate ultimatum and i desisted from scoring/ thus i back on the booze/ although it's worse for my health it makes her feel better and i guess this year i've been fairly active, and only in secret for a brief while/ now she's decided to put her foot down and as i can only deal with her wrecked but can't really cope without her (acute dependency issues don't you know) i'll take the booze...

need to sleep/ having been able to sleep at will for most of the past few years i now notice the adverse affects of my occasional bouts of insomnia all the more acutely/ waiting for the chemist to open...boring/ but so little is interesting/ worse still are contrived attempts to be interesting, be it in art or everyday life/ life is just fucking dull/

it seems i have been misinformed/ apparently combined alcohol and methadone use does not increase toxicity levels in the liver/ methadone alone causes no liver damage at all/ alcohol does cause irritation and damage to the liver and it is speculated that mmt patients are at higher risk of liver damage because a) hep c, which is common in previous iv users, causes liver damage and b) heavy drinking to 'top-up' the effects of methadone is also common/ i need not extrapolate/ i despair of the misinformed/ the individual who misinformed me read exactly the articles i just read and yet saw what simply was not there...

have quit drinking again/ intake de yester: 2 of each of my usuals/ thus slept about an hour/ up obscenely early and hearing sounds i remember from my insomniac past/ i have to quit drinking this time/ my previously excellent blood pressure has rocketed to near heart attack territory/ doc say if it don't improve v soon then i must take tablets (beta blockers) or worse hospital, dependent on tox. levels in my liver created by alcohol and methadone/ all possible scenarios are pretty horrific but still only possible/ one certainty however is that if i carry on no ddu will prescribe me methadone and i know the pain of withdrawal/ the pain of withdrawal from 3 years sustained high dose methadone i cannot even contemplate/ and thus came the jolt i've been praying for/ mercy...

i rue my failure to write an entry yesterday/ 'twas because intake de yester: 2 cans k; 40cls brandy; 1 bottle cabernet sauv.; usuals/ listening: beeth.'s bags/ so, a disturbing 34.5 units/ around early evening started to get confrontational culminating in my brother storming off and jo avoiding me/ must quit drinking/ off on holiday with m 'n' p 'n' alba on saturday/ m says it's a no booze break to avoid confrontation between me and p/ sounds reasonable/ my health continues to be fine/ seems these vitamin tablets do a sterling job/ and let us remember:

The artist is nothing without gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Émile Zola

got wonderfully eitched toujours/ mundervar num-yah?/ alba not too pleased but hey, i am/ so...alba's retreated somewhere in protest but i'm sure she'll be back soon/ been sitting in the office smoking and listening to beethoven/ didn't realise the bagatelles were so lengthy/ nor did i realise 'bagatelles' was recognised by the blogger dictionary/ startling/

horribly hungover/ intake de yester: 6 cans k; 1 bottle chateauneuf-de-pap; usuals/ listening: beethoven, piano concerto no. 1, 2nd movement/ drinking: tea/ hmmm...i'm a stone fool/ why i drink that shit is not entirely beyond me but still, it does make me suffer the following day/ i feel horrific/ and 6 cans/ that's just sick/ the thing is, if i start early in the day it accelerates my drinking to the point i get out of control/ i think my unit total was 35.5/ horrifying/

not too hungover/ intake de yester: 4 cans k; 1 bottle wine; usuals/ listening: mendelssohn, piano concerto no 1, 2nd movement/ drinking tea and waking up/ just returned from the pharmacy/ i'm now under the charge of a different authority and must undergo a probationary period, which consists in picking up my methadone daily/ its not so bad though/ its a pleasant walk to the pharmacy and at least i get the correct dose/ god mendelssohn is truly divine/ all my classical's on vinyl so i've not listened to any in an age/ however the other day i found some tapes i made a few years ago of beethoven, mendelssohn, schubert, chopin and rossini/ thus've been listening to the constantly whilst i type/

feeling ok/ intake de yester: 1 bottle red; yoo-ju-lz/ listening: don't forget about me, simple minds/ drinking pleasant coffee, though i find adding cold milk to stove top coffee, whilst it brings it to the right temperature, spoils the flavor slightly/ yet when making iced coffee, pouring the espresso over ice then adding cold milk seems to bring the chocolaty undertones to the fore/ bizarre/ under dosed yesterday and the previous (the measuring caps provided seem to measure incorrectly) i dreamt of finding money, drugs deals, all, of course, flawed and never yielding that sweet golden powder/ up shot is that i have more to enjoy today so intend to gouch out on my surfeit this evening/ marvelous/ have taken to writing again/ recently acquired my childhood desk (a huge study oak thing) and my parents gave us a nice desk top computer/ thus i've created a very comfortable 'office' down the hall where i can sit and type in piece for hours/ it looks wonderfully bohemian: jazz records, spent wine bottles, ricard ashtray, &c/ have mainly been typing short narratives about notable evenings or periods in recent memory/ the paper announcing the a-level results immediately transported me back ten years and so i trotted out a narrative thereon/ my recent acquisition of some fine wines encouraged me to write a piece on my spree of fine food and wine last year/ many pleasant, sodden memories/