f'n' purdy gurd/ sipping strong cafe au lait and listening cpt. beefheart, ice cream for crow/ un-hung-over consequence of low alc. intake la nuit d. and an early night/ the cold persists though is now little more than an annoyance/ stereo phenomenal/ been listening to john coltrane, settin' the pace, this chill morn., jaw agape at the pace and clarity of my system/ switched my generic leads for some qed quenex 2s yester. thus removing the penultimate weak-link-in-the-chain/ sheeyut it rocks/ still waiting for my speaker stands and pogues albums tho' it seems deliveries range from lightening quick to lead slow and everything in between/ the ease and thrift with which i've built this fine system is yet another affirmation that in certain respects i've moved forward considerably and self and outer exploration are fine ways of achieving that/ anyhoo, must jet...

currently listening to zappa and the mothers, magdalena/ not too bad tho' i still think van vilet, aka beefheart the more engaging musician/ zappa to me is much like bowie, a great composer and producer who supported great talents/ shit, then there was costello and macgowan/ that's all i can think of right now.../ stereo fantastic tho' salivating over decca and grado cartridges/ it's great when someone seriusly into their music (id est most of my family and friends) hears my hi-fi and goes 'like, wow?'/ h'ever i find it very hard to be satisfied/ i just need to relax/ i came back from a mate's t'other night, stuck on biggie's life after death and 'twas like a serotonin/dopamine cocktail quenching the parched throat of my ears (you see?)/ yeah, just fucking relax, man...

f'n' 'k' tho' congested and sad/ father took us for lunch yester. at a notable local tapas bar, which was excellent/ we'd much calamaris, octopus, lamb cutlets, garlic chicken, spicy potatoes, warm bread and vin red/ polished it and us off with their sublime pistachio ice cream and lick-you-er coffees/ today is rain and cold tho' the knife like wind of the last cpl days's dissipated/ sipping a nice argentine rouge and awaiting the arrival of my castle speaker stands/ i've got two items on order, some silver speaker cable and a russ andrews reference power cable (or cord') and then c'est ca, no more, just me and records/ buying new kit it is kick in itself/ even good cables are pleasing to one's aesthetic sense/ but one has to stop at some point, let the components settle in and just enjoy the music/ were it not for music one would not be attracted to hi-fi in the first place/

the hound's absence still constitutes a gaping hole/ this bug i caught some one week ago remains, tho' weakly/ convalescence should surely be attempted free of toxins and i only lasted 72 hours without/ n'er mind/ writing goes well/ keep buying stereo shit and albums, a record arriving at least once daily/ been caining the smiths, death of a disco dancer and happy mondays, step on and kinky afro/ got the pogues peace and love yester tho' 'ts certainly not their finest/ not to worry for rum, sodomy and the lash is on its way/

feelings morphing hither and now and when?/ indeed, 'tis not too pleasant feeling emotionally and physically confused/ i'm unusually sensitive and paranoid, said the great tricky/ but what will really happen, other than the shit one inflicts on one's self?/ and i'm always worried, said mark e smith of the fall/ rain rain rain, awh duh tyme.../ i've been places...now i just want to stay where i am...

stille in profound shock 'v'ng lost the hound/ the vet informed me 90% of dog youth-in-asia is staffy pacific/ they've become a very popular dog with the working classes who seem to have less idea of what dog owner ship involves and, once they get the dog, less or no inclination to take responsibility/ i just hope the guy who abandoned him to my friend has some for of karmic retribution visited upon him/ what was most disconcerting however was the fact no one - police, breeders associations, charities, re-homing centres - would take him on/ i should have said no in the first place but, had i, they would have got wasted and released the dog into the wild/ i suppose at least with us he got to spend a pleasant few months/ i keep running through all the options just to convince myself i did everything in my power before having him put down/ and i did/ it just doesn't take the stinging emptiness away...people should have to go through a rigorous inspection process, both physical and psychological, before they are allowed to take on any animal/ post-all, what sort of individual buys a dog with a temperament like that, fails to register of spay him, and then dump him after four whole years?/ someone who should not own a dog/ there was a programme on disabled dogs the other night and the in-house psychiatrist hit the nail on the head: ppl keeping these dogs alive are not kind and altruistic; they simply prolong the animals discomfort to spare themselves grief/ i feel fucking empty and sick while his real owner walks around with no idea (tho' if he did, i'm sure no care) to what happened/ that poor fucking dog, man/ poor fucking dog...

no post yester as had the dog put to rest/ the vet said it should have been done when he bit me though i'm glad not/ the last few weeks have given him a chance to get over it and he went on a good note, tail wagging, paw in hand/ at first i felt numb, then we went to lunch to celebrate his passing and the numbness remained/ when i arrived home around five however it felt like my insides were being torn out/ i was momentarily concerned for my mental health/ popped a citalopram, leveled off and went to bed early, no booze, no drugs.../ feel better this morning though mainly through rationalising he's at peace and better off than living muzzled and frustrated/ he was dumped on us aged four with balls and a lot of anxiety issues/ his owner proper should have made the hard decision but didn't/ however, no matter how many people, professional or non-, tell me it was the right decision, it makes little difference and will not fill this cavernous emptiness.../

frustratingly still house-moping under this dense malady/ don't think i'll repeat yesterday's excursions/ trying to ebay some fcuk-mas gifts, hampers and such/ can't wait to get out of ldn to my parent's/ only been out of town twice this year (both instances my parents took the alba and i away) so the impact of the unfurling countryside'll be all the more profound/ i'm not sure if tea-total-ism is an option for a freelance writer/ perhaps i'll take another form of occupation but, having worked many different jobs the years i was supposed to be turning up at college i've'd a taste of many offices, shops, clubs, bars, post-production companies, courier circuits and they all suck'd & blow'd simultaneous, aside from the courier apres-ride which, amusingly, involved lots of rides (i was single at the time)/ anyway, enough of this pointless dire-tribe/ going to blow my nose and then listen to happy mondays, kinky afro, wot just arrived by post/

up reasonably early/ stayed up till 0100 with the alba watching this is england on channel 4/ i'm still fucked up by it this morning/ possibly one of the finest films ever made/ i've never felt such revulsion for a lead character, mainly because he's not a stereotypical bad guy/ though he behaves with an almost complete lack of humanity, he is recognisably human beneath the thick sediment of his psychoses/ i felt truly sick from the moment he appears to the climactic scene, the moment of his decent into hideous violence not unexpected but not when one might have anticipated it/ copolla still rants about the significance of tripe like godfather 2 or apocolypse now and how making apocalypse now was 'my own personal vietnam'/ then comes a small independent film with no self-congratulatory fanfare in the press, unknown actors and it's as good as taxi driver, one flew over the cuckoos nest, deerhunter.../ the actors are all outstanding and a raft of awards are deserving of the lead actor/ it also has that rare ability to give light relief where needed, but without destroying the underlying tension/ if jerry bruckheimer'd been involved there'd've been scenes so grotesque they'd fail to have any impact/ less = more my fellow entities, less is most definitely more...

some sly piss-wad's out bid me and won, by a mere GBP 0.50, a complete set of pre-1990 mondays singles and albums/ i must remember to log in just before the end of any auction i desperately want to win/ at that point today however i was buried neath duvets twain shivering after an ill-advised two hour walk with the dog/ as we neared the final stretch a downpour of ice-cold rain and then hail assailed us/ i feel better now, in a warm jumper and full of day nurse/ i also'd to fill my our-X this morn. and so chalked up another 1 and 1 half hrs in the biting wind/ h'ever when ill i always deem it advisable, if one has the energy, to get the circulation going and fill the lungs with fresh air/ 'tis truly grim to lay and rot in one's germs/ also keeping busy distracts one/ the symptoms of most illnesses can certainly be improved with mental diversion/ nothing of any note to report/ i sneaked a can when out but did it for medicinal reasons so feel somewhat vindicated/ i'm adapting rather well to a 'socially functional' existence, enjoying the comforts of surety &c./ i feel i've 'lived' enough to enjoy it a good while longer/ oh the unfathomable complexities our little brains imagine...

been up about an hour, sober energy driving through my malady/ went to bed obscenely early, 'ving been up obscenely early and, though busy and fucking ill all day lay awake for hours, fearing an attack of the dreaded insomnia/ h'ever eventually fell into a series of light dreams and slept till about 0600, which isn't too bad/ i'm hoping it's just a symptom of adjustment/ in fact, i think it is/ i remember giving up cannabis in 2000 for a few months and for the fist four weeks lying awake till two every morning/ any-route...other than this bug feeling pretty good/ it's amazing when one gives up alcohol the rapidity with which one's faculties return/ i think a combination of constitution and age allow me to recover quite quickly/ i don't even suffer withdrawal which, if the substance was heroin and the quantity and duration of use the same, i would to an unthinkable degree/ and though off the booze maintaining at 20mls methadone and no citalopram/ nice/ and i know it's early days and my attempts over the past cpl years to dry out 've failed comically but one can but try (at least the desire is still there - i think when one becomes resigned to one's fate all is lost (though some say much is gained))/ i just want to be free of it because it has no benefits outside of drunkenness, and that i haven't felt in the pleasant sense (everything generated by it's opposite) in years/ fuck and i'm only just 29/ booze is shit/ and the thing is, when i think about it, it's not like heroin, i don't get a host of cherubim singing in my brain, i feel sick and repelled/ i don't like booze (though i do a very convincing impression of someone who does)/ i am simply drawn to it by default/ in the ingenious words of viz's suicidal syd, i'm out of the frying pan...and into not being dead!

iggy and the stooges, i need somebody, on the system and i bound to the house by a confluence of ill health and the elements/ a second cup of taylor's of harrogate's italian blend (i know, trying to save money - decent beans cost a lot these jours) accompanied 1000mgs ibu., 1000mgs. asp. and a multi-vit./ hoping to kick this bitch into touch by the morrow, the morrow after at latest/ i spend such a ridiculously long time on this machine i should probably invest in new screen/ i wish to preserve my 20/20 vision/ hum...'twould be great to do something this jour but must be sensible/ h'ever with the energy of an absent h'over i may find this difficult/ i opt for the life of the quasi-recluse these days as it's the only way i can be moderately well behaved and stay within the alba's good books/ ho...here comes johnny yen again, with liquor and drugs, and the flesh machine.../ also'd a bit of lou reed, transformer, on the system this morn. and it's surprisingly well recorded/ bowie's real achievements were with reed and pop/ most of his solo stuff is just too fucking ott and populist, though i like gene jenie, fashion, let's dance...i think low is a hugely overrated album (fucking sound and vision/ puh-leeze) though the warsawza track's pretty engaging (and where our good friends joy division took their first proper name (they were initially called stiff kittens, but apparently none of them liked the name))/

in spite of weighty cold feeling good for not drop of booze one yester./ i think it takes a good 20 years of booze-O-hol-ism afore one gets, exemplar gratis, delirium t.s, so i've got time to get out before any serious damage is done/ i also get a garunteed three day break over the mas of christo as my father and i grudgingly abstain to avoid booze fights/ listening to van morrison, cyprus avenue, and trying to ignore the standard listener remarks of 'aching beautiful' and 'devastating genius'/ toss3rs/ my fuck-mas list keeps growing as i remember albums i've sold or lost, like van morrison, astral weeks, the stooges, fun house, the smiths, meat is murder, john coltrane, a love supreme, joy division, substance (which i've now bought and lost/sold thrice), ornette coleman, free jazz...the list goes on/ this cold is a fuck-cunt/ light the morn. of yester., heavy the eve. and has a manageability i don't quite trust this morn./ been caining the specials, gangsters, which has the best rucki'g freverb on mr hall's vocal (indeed, the same (almost unaged) mr hall who sings on tricky's poems)/ it's snowing here and the dog has no coat so i'm not sure what to do about exercising him/ i have to put him in a kennel over x-mas because my parents 've got 9 of us coming and don't want a rambunctious staffordshire to contend with (he doesn't relocate too well)/ 've found him a place in nth ldn with luxury rooms and acres of woodland, so he should be happy there for a few days/ think i'll construct another coffee (which indeed was used for medicinal purposes before it became a popular beverage)/