feeling ok/ intake yester: 1 btl wine (13.5%, 10.1 units); 2 cans k (8.4 units); 3 rocks crack; usual homeopathic adjuncts/ discovered some enzyme pills but have just noticed they're past their use by date so chucked them/ shame/ i took a couple the other day and felt pretty awful, so that could be the reason/ have cleansed and moisturized, and this evening will treat myself to camphor cleansing cream and some divine wine/ will also be cooking an italian meal for the alba and hopefully wonderful sex'll ensue/ have been contemplating a trip north but think i would rather great food and sex/ reading miller's ...cancer which is fantastic, i mean really great/ hmm, tonight great wine, food and sex/ i like/ have taken to writing in my journal again/ usually transcribe but don't think i'll bother/ no one reads this blog anyway/ i simply use it as a journal out of habit/

The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and mangled mind leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict.
- Elizabeth Drew

sometimes you eat the bar and other times the bar, well it eats you.../ finally have a docs app. tuesday next so will have old hyde restored very soon/ this makes me very happy/ intake yester: wine, bottles twain (a charming rose and a good red), plus the usual herbals/ i'm also taking some dietary pills i found that increase enzyme production/ can't do any harm/ watched clockwork orange (again) and enjoyed it enormously/

drinking rose/ finally cut my hair (shaved close) and feeling ok, though exhausted/ shall go out later and get some drugs, me thinks/ not sure if i really want the effort of traveling, but i do love my drugs/ oh yeah/

Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you. - Ovid

pulled the above from a blog whose author blatantly read books of quotations/ they're a fast track to seeming educated/ however i find some quotes, particularly one's of the above ilk, inspiring/ not because i'm desperately searching for some wisdom to make my life not appear a complete waste (well, not entirely)/ i am aware that this is true/ i've been out of depression once and was it sweet/ much better than life before depression (what am i saying, i can't remember life before depression)/

0920

(those bits where time is recorded i've written outside) feeling ok/ up early, to pharm. 'n' now sit in nero/ up since 7 drinking tea and writing/ sent lists to innovative and cpl stories/ re-read 'notes...' today and it is uber dark/ what i like is my style is my own/ it is not reminiscent of anyone elses, which is something i suppose/ horrible argument with jo last night/ i have to sort my head out or get the guts to leave/ h'ever i now understand the phrase 'the comforts of madness'/ maybe i'll live one day.../ she just does so much weird shit/ i know she's had a horrible life etc but that doesn't excuse everything/well...

i need to look more outside myself/ i know this is not something most people do but it's no excuse for me to not do so/ moreover concentrating exclusively on one's own feelings is ruinous to self/ so, if i think not of other's feelings for other's sake let me do it for the reasons people believe in karma/

a good day/ wine intake: bottles one and half/ mid-after suffered extreme exhaustion so'd a large coffee to try and pick self un-down/ un-down, a state i've not experienced in a while/ 've my papers for the local doc./ before close of week antis shall be mine/ shall be mine...i've felt like shite fur length suffice...oot

divine evening yester/ the gear was wonderful, absolutely delicious/ the bags looked enormous but were just badly wrapped/ however quantity was not so bad and quality excellent/ quality has now been at an all time high for almost a month/ i accompanied it with a can of k and 22.5cls brandy/ by 0030 i was in the clouds, i mean high/ it was really very spectacular/ slept like a child and woke this morn feeling pretty good/ have just imbibed my usual ethiopian and 60mls methadone and am about to cook/ then work/ i must acquire more of the same gear/ no one should be denied experiences of that calibre/

good day yester/ bottle wine one and the usual homeopathic adjuncts/ slept long and solid/ off nth soon for the yew-jus-al/ nye (nice)/ reading miller (still)/ i've not actually been reading it/ rather i've been immersing myself in the facts of rock/ not doing much writing either/ have to prepare several pieces for a magazine and am trying to hawk a short story/ boring/ had a good morning, listening to soul and generally relaxing/ looking forward very much to a smoke this evening/ will write more later/

not a bad day/ excellent yester: went shopping for books neath the bridge at waterloo, then out for a fine meal at our favorite italian restaurant in soho/ intake: 2 bottles wine/ woke early this morn and attended appointment at clinic, a run in and piss/ then home, exquisite breakfast and then slept till four/ then up to attend hospital/ now home sipping excellent shiraz and cooking game/ i just realised how little i attend to ideology in my writing/ my old diaries were steeped in self-analysis and speculation/ however a lot of that (i.e. relentless questioning and the desire to do so) has been laid to rest in me/ this is a good thing/ i'm not sure if i've resolved a lot of issues or i just can't be bothered but i certainly feel a lot more at peace with myself/

surprisingly feeling ok/ intake of yester: 3 bottles wine/ i had an excellent shiraz, a horrible chianti and a reasonable cabernet sauv/ pissed i made ferocious love to the alba and then sat in rapture ecouting to hendrix/ no matter how many times i hear 1983 it still blows my mind/ off to an art gallery this after/ then home for more love construction/ i really do love sex/ i mean really love it/ and because we've been together for 8 years we're very good at it/ so last was a really excellent night, and tonight shall be also/ was quite productive on the writing front yester/ managed several pages of 'fiction' and have been keeping an eye on various competitions, up-coming magazines &c./ to be a writer one must write every day, and i do/ but i must step up my reading/ this year i've read: b'fast at tiffs; last exit...; ...enderby; clockwork...; and half daisy miller; oh and a slice (maybe pages 40) lady j and john t; not great/ i am however steeped in pretentious, garrulous music reviews, sated on the meats of the culture sections of various broadsheets, drenched, nay drowning in a sea of news, both serious and celebrity, courtesy of metro, london lite, london paper (the), grazia, now, tattler and many more of ilk not dissimilar/ enough of the tenuous and mixed metaphors (well not mixed - each sentence segments metaphor is internally consistent, though i do rattle out not a few of difference) ed./ which reminds me, a staple of many years, the private eye, has not enjoyed my patronage for some time/ i used to devour it religiously/ so the writing is going quite well/ i do love writing/ i also adore reading/ when i cast my mind back to period when i've been immersed in a good book i remember that time very fondly/ it seems to enhance life in many and various ways/ a good book makes the brain feel fantastic/ it also gives one a richer palate of perspectives/ and ones writing become more eloquent/ i always marvel at how poetic my journal entries are during a period when i'm reading copiously/ when i was a serious addict in finsbury park i read a number of the classics and became such a fit reader i devoured roy porter's 700 treatise on medicine and philosophy, flesh in the age of reason in no time/ its a great book by the way reader and well worth checking out/ so a fit reader makes for a good writer (in me anyway)/ currently i seem to have the writing bug but not so much the reading/ this is a shame/ i'm enjoying james' miller and intend to continue working my way through the books on my shelf once i've completed it/ i was toying with the idea of reading paradise lost again/ i read all twelve books when commuting the other year and it was an amazing experience/ i'd alight battered on verse/ beautiful and remarkable it was/ but no/ i've read a fair slice of purgatory by old dante, so should finish that/ i also intend to make light work of nietzsche, as i've pretty much all his books and have hardly read any of them/ i also have a lot of henry james, some dos., plenty poetry, some chandler/ i want to get back into henry miller/ i was a big fan as a teenager/ i carried a salaciously designed copy of sexus everywhere with me when i was about 15/ i also dressed in a miller style - loose beige slacks, leather brogues of light tan and a loose light blue shirt, notebook and sexus resting under my arm, thick hair unkempt/ i don't remember if i finished it/ in those days books were far more of a prop, an adjunct of my fierce individuality/ i loved to carve idiosyncratic images for myself, cool by individual images/