my moods are terrible at the moment/ i fluctuate between states of crushing insecurity, powerful rage which i'm aware is acutely impotent, confusion, depression and lethargy/ i'm suffering from withdrawal (methadone and heroin) and a perpetual hangover/ i have been using alot of heroin lately and thus suffer heroin withdrawal/ i also suffer methadone withdrawal because of my depleted daily dose/thus i drink to assuage both and, when i'm not drunk suffer a concurrent hangover and double sickness/ the medical establishment's propensity to snort at an addicts claim they have a double habit depends i believe mainly on their (the med. establishment's) widespread (and certainly not unfounded) hatred of addicts and belief of their (the addict's) essential lack of intelligence/ heroin and methadone are both derivatives of morphine, so a heroin addiction is the same as a methadone addiction, the doctors reason/ however, be the addict thick or not, the claim is true, and addicts know this intuitively (where intuitive means something felt, not rationally apprehended)/ methadone and heroin have different 'lives': methadone last longer than heroin/ thus if one is taking heroin atop methadone, the methadone will not 'hold' the addict completely/ one will experience heroin sickness before methadone sickness/ hence the feeling one has a double habit/

intake last night: 60cls brandy, 1 can of k cider and two bags of heroin/ nice/ slept for 12 hours almost straight and had plenty of water, thus feeling pretty good/ just finished last exit to brooklyn, which is fucking genius, so making a belated stab at writing/not sure what to do with the day/ went out for coffee this morning but have very little money so am prevented from doing much more/ cannot even afford to get drunk/ thus shall write and read/ however i feel a certain degree of antipathy thereto/ my best writing is done in a stream-of frenzy/ it is not something i can contrive/ so unless the fever takes me i can do little but drudge through prosaic accounts of my activities/

intake last night: 2 bottles of wine, 5cls whiskey, 2 cans of k cider and 5 bags of heroin/ had a vile argument with the entity re: sex (or lack of)/ one of the main reasons i find heroin such a useful instrument reader is it's ability to completely shut off my sex drive/ bizarre?/ well no considering i have a girlfriend who has no interest in sex whatever/ this is infinitely frustrating/ but with no sex drive, there's no frustration!/ what a wonderful world/

assailed by a hangover of extreme proportions this morning/ last night consumed 2 bottles of wine, a 1/4 bottle of rum and a half bottle of some freaky shit called monteno, or some such, a thick red syrup from portugal coming in at 20 percent/ thus woke with a vile hangover and drank oceans of pink grapefruit cordial and a fine javan coffee/ then to fucking forest gate to pick up and move a washing machine/ i never realised the fucking things were so heavy/ evil/ off to north london now for the essentials/ will make a concerted effort to type more this eve/ out...

feeling exhausted and dehydrated/ have almost run out of heroin but fortunately have a bottle of wine and a quarter bottle of rum remaining/thus i can pass a passable evening/ should be doing some diy but think i'll lounge and read instead/am enjoying burgess enormously/

feeling rather rough today/ intake last night: 2 rocks, 4 bags heroin, 1/2 pint stella, single jameson, 1 bottle table wine, 1/4 bottle rum (20cls)/ i speculate it is the mixture of wine and rum/ 'ha ha ha' people often say, 'what about all the other shit?'/ well, people, when i take the other shit sans alcohol i feel fine when i wake the next day/ it is most pleasant having decent gear/ i 'gouched' (the state of extreme relaxation, verging on unconsciousness, which accompanies a pleasant smoke) severally last night/ currently reading 'inside mr enderby' by burgess/ have decided to start reading regularly again/ i feel so much better for it and my writing beneits enormously/