not sure that the last sentence of my last post was entirely true (viz. that i'm with it (her) for entirely negative reasons)/ there are many positive ones too/ well, a few, and, indeed, more positives than you get in most relationaships/ well, a couple of days/ shit/ yesterday 10 rocks, a bottle of wine, 6 cans K, 3 cans lager (5%) and 3 bags heroin/ oh and about 150mls of methadone/ since i piped most of the rock close to bed, and bedded the self as the sun came up, i got precious little sleep/ was meant to be going shopping for baby clothes this morning but just couldn't get up at the required moment/ thus slept till 1400, swearing for the many hours i lay awake 'never again, never again, &c.'/ but as soon as i got up i was up across the park, with the sincere intention of procuring only 2 bags heroin to relax my paranoid mind/ however, my silver tongue was hijacked by an aspect of my consciousness (one dressed in a rich red suit i believe) though in no way a gaudy suit; pure fucking style)) and i managed to get one of d's excellent white for free/ and what did this begin?/ i'd sworn to myself that would be it, but naturally, with one's white dealer (nay, 'mc-squealer') on one's door step, how, dear reader, can one resist?/try it fucker/ i don't think i have any special (or indeed any) degree of resiliance/ but i really don't care any more/ i've spoiled myriad highs (twain wit, a super-plethora of life moments (a ruined fucking palace of life experiences)) because of paranoia, &c and shall not, motherfucking Not allow myself to destroy myself any more (the self, post-all, being no more than a composite of ones experiences (the self thus perhaps benefiting from self delusion (i've found incisive self realization can be hugely detrimental to ones happiness (nay one's life)

rocks rocks rocks/ well managed to desist yesterday/ my consumption of toxins was minimal/ one can stella and a bottle bordeaux/ sleep was a bit broken but otherwise ok/ woke feeling ok/ should continue abstinence but it's very hard when one can buy crack on one's door step and heroin from about fifty locals/ besides my particular proclivities compel me/ never mind/ i know if i can stand it a few days i'll feel excellent/ i just get so excruciatingly bored/ although my use is balanced against a plethora of negative factors (one definition of addiction - continued use in spite of negative consequences) i prefer life when i use than when i don't/ however life with my woman will be up for review if i continue to use (and get caught - i've done pretty well so far but i get so fed up with all of the shit i have to put in place to go unnoticed that i've become lazy and have thus been caught out a couple of times recently)/ but i'm mainly with her for negative reasons/ if i loved myself i think i'd have been off years ago...

turned down an opportunity to score last night though only from fear of getting caught out/ i'd already spent a considerable amount so couldn't justify any more expenditure/ had a pretty good day/ managed to rack up a vile quantity of k cans/ they're quite an unnerving sight first thing in the morning/ am researching various herbal teas/ i need to supply a clean test at ddu a week today and thus require liquids which clean the blood/ various ex-con associates of mine recommend alot of water, but i have a feeling one can do a better job with good herbal tea/ besides, the change will do me good/ i can't believe that replacing espresso and strong liquor with mineral water and e.g. nettle tea can do one any harm/

must quit/ woke spitting blood again this morn, product of a pint of g&t, a bottle of brandy, 4 cans of k, 2 bags heroin, two rocks and a multitude of cigarettes/ i just derive so much fun therefrom/ i've now a regular rock guy at the end of the road, and the rock is good/ plus excellent smack from my usual guy across the park/ shot through with fear of getting trounced last night i swore never again/ waking this morning dehydrated and poisoned i shrank in fear from myself/ now i'm up and a little more robust i'm scheming/ it's occurred to me that all i do is driven by a restless and misdirected intelligence/ well off for eggs benedict, so out...