feeling quite shit/ yester got pissed on k and said some mean things to the alba, these now resonating within my sodden skull/ oh well...

doing good tho' somewhat molested by k cider/ returning from college yesterday i felt unusually happy so secured a can/ this was succeeded by many more to the point of collapse around 2300/ bro over twain so spliffs and a good supper was had/ listening to the lamentable efforts of the germs on the complete anthology (mia)/ they're pretty amusing but i much prefer black randy and the metrosquad/ drinking black coffee and not sure what to do with the day (certainly not drink)/ anyway...

doing ok, it being the early morn./ up since 0510 as bed at 1930 la nuit d./ listening to bellini, la sonnambula, and drinking coffee/ going to college today of necessity (forms for continued employment &c.) then straight home/ anyway it does me well to leave the pit/ cannabis psychosis kept me house-bound for the worst 2 years of my life so lassitude brings foul memories/ my diet continues to armour my mental health/ feel better every day, anxiety at bay, paranoia (near) gone/ clearly quitting vodka's beneficial/ i can't even look at a bottle of that shit without wanting to puke/ hmm.../ anyway, hope this spell lasts/ i believe it'll last longer than my attempts to quit because i have other shit to do/ i'm thus quitting by diversion, not concentrating on quitting/ we'll see...

the old flu has fucked me hard/ almost fell down the stairs returning from college and now can't attend my interview for the radio station/ if i was depressed or stupid i'd say it was just my or bad luck/ indeed.../ so eating much poisson, drinking a medicinal cider and scribbling my inconsequential thoughts on the ether/ bizat...

when all is
well, i mean mostly
there is still the
emptiness of the
day

one maintains
stability, there are
glimpses of calm
happiness the
'old self'

but essentially
life is war a
battle, a struggle to
remain because what
else?

doing well/ bed before 2200, awake at 0430, up at 0530/ eating nectarines and yoghurt and contemplating another cup of costa rican/ getting up early is always a very bad idea but sometimes lying in bed awake and thinking is too frustrating/ hence a trade off (but isn't everything?)/ other than the sludginess of early rising feel good, esp. in the head where it counts/ flu seems to be retreating so work tonight, college demain/ didn't drink too much yester.: 2 biers and 1/2 btl crisp blanc/ need to quit booze for good or at least keep it at an acceptable level/ however i've relapsed so many times i don't even believe myself any more (tho' at the time i do mean to quit)/ in fact i'm not sure i've ever had a period of abstinence long enough to allow for a relapse/ anyhow, fuck it/ feel good and that's all that means anything/ ease...

mais re: the last post, fuck it/ got another bottle blanc, some change for k cider should i need to bludgeon my brain to sleep and now a fine supper awaits/ there is no fear in a bang, only in the anticipation of it/ it were 'itchcock said that/ smaht man 'im.../any-highway, must off and drink more/ tah-tah!

sipping dry white and listening to schubert, trying to recreate the bourgeois comforts of the parental home/ i want to be straight, i'm sick and tired of taking drugs and staying up late/ so bored but not anxious, which is nice/ need more booze and will no doubt get, though i've no money to pay my enormous phone bill, deficit in rent &c &c &c/ 've missed much work parce que of college, hangovers and recently illness so my pay packet'll be meagre/

feeling ok though still with flu/ ate fucking well yester but too many beers and much wine left a residue this morn./ hardly any money, only one beer and a bottle of wine in the fridge constitute a frustration/ currently re-reading burgess's inside mr enderby/ ate a sublime lunch of prawn and coconut broth with plain rice/ i'm back on a serious healthy food 'tip', my head ravaged with months of red meat and vodka/ also still off the vod. which is nice/ it's not my diet's ever been bad, just if you have fragile mental health and drink alot you must eat exceptionally well/ anyway, not done much today parce que the virus/ watched a bit of the big lebowski but couldn't be arsed post 15 mins/ uploaded some sublime handel and haydn to youtube.com/billyshitcheese/ and nowt else/ oh slept hours twain and one half in the after/ and c'est ca...