so here i sit the ultimate bohemian jaeger jacket cashmere scarf sipping fine wine from a black corner shop back listening to ornette coleman...don't you wish you were me?? best is i'm not afraid better i sleep in a field on a rock than have to put up with hell for bricks and morter...

woke late after last night's debauchery, made coffee, snaphphl'd vino and now sit in a blissful shroud drinking shiraz and listening to black randy and the metrosquad/ he and the mondays make me very very happy/ randy is closer to me in character than ryder or hannett/ the latter two i identify with in addiction, tolerance, intelligence but randy was also a sensitive chap, as is your humble narrator/ back to blissful shrouds...i recall getting a massive erroneous payment from x university and at the time was staying with my arets while anther storm calm down/ i went ot x bank on s-, with drew a cpl tunne and purchased a beautiful cohiba robusto/ i then strolled accross l- to a mroccan tea shop, puffing lesiurly on my cohiba, before reclinign divan wise and watching the oil light dance on the black waitressdses multi tone, shimmering skin/

the greater (rather diverse and 'quantious' (a work devised in best faith by a disciple)) the intake the more erratic my behaviour (and the less i remember of it)/ e.g. la nuit: several cans k follwed me to the spot where at Bz twain i procured and the obligatory over priced dubz/ then home for encore B, citalopram and then i flipped, before canvassing the neighbourhood for bottles of wine, an enterprise at which i was very successful/ i remember little else, but what?/

no comedians/ oh memories/ tunes can take you right back there/

much like belacqua i spend much of my time wandering and drinking (though mercifully the similarities end here)/ i have, as per, alot on my mind/ a lack of moral support from my family, atop everything else which ails me, weighs immensely/ how i pine (stille) for things to be different/ amusingly the necessity of them failing me is some comfort (i think we all crave some sort of regularity) but fundamentally it still hurts/ perhaps the perverse comfort one derives from whatever regularity is one of the minds ways of self-protection (who knows)/ so i intend to hide in here till i feel better/ i can really feel some sort of collapse approching and it terrifies me/ when i fall there will be no one there to catch me/ i need to escape (and since i cannot escape physically, i must employ other means)/ my chest is constricted, i'm sweating profusely, any sense of mental surity is rapidly deserting me/ i can handle physical malasie (just) but mental malaise (the kind which i know not how to control) really floors me/

listening to the mondays and rounding the day off with a can of iced k and 40mg citalopram/ the albas mother is in the area thus i'm hiding and staying sane/ as long as one has little hideaways, be they physical or mental, one can just about stumble through/ anyway i'm used to and enjoy hiding out/ another reasonably successful day/ might take alby out for a meal tonight/ i fancy tarragon steak and abrasive, overpriced wine/ currently reading hunger by hamsun and am blown away/ i've been reading bukowski alot of late because i identify with alot of his failingsa nd ge's very easy to read/ it is only when you read prose like hamsuns you realsie what a mediocre writer he is (although 'writer' is a vague term i cannot be bothered to refine my statement)/

pondered the dynamics of a film of the self's diaries en route to and from the pharmacy/ i dearly wish to convey what an absolute wanker the alba is and how deeply flawed i am/ one comfort i take from all i've suffered is i know how people are endeared to me and hate the alba/ how can anyone genuinely like a prick?/ i want detailoed scenes of the classic eton renuion in notting hill she came to with me ('they all say i'm a free floating person and how amazing that is. how many black women do you know who drink in pubs? you only exist in your comfort zone, but i...(continues)'/ this is just a brief fragment of an indident of which there are almost innumerable others/ what a prick/ i remember she even said when we were drinking with some of her colleagues that she hoped i didn't write what wankers they are (plato's subset at work again)/ anyway, i've the fire...i just need to channel it/

listening to howlin wolf and happy/ good night last/ cheated for small change by the infathomable 'murdoch', but what.../ slept in golden warmth and woke feeling refreshed/ yeah, booze...fucking ig-nor-ay-my/ l8rz...

well bore me shore who whore he?/ went tea tots yester but with cash in hand today had a divine can stella/ ran into one of my associates in tooting but was tragically low on funds/ offered him my divine angora scarf for trade but he thought i was joking!/ so with the funds i've i'll get drunk, sleep like a corpse dead in a copse fire and then tomorrow think of other ways to deal with myself/ walking on the common with alba and pater nticed thie tightests, fittest blond thing, 1979 splayed across her plump tight buttocks/ thus a course of running might find a destination for my raging libido and some variety/ with care of self i do incredibly well/ currently i still have a rough, robust attractiveness but my drinking physique is not for everyone and this girl was flie/ oh that ass!/