crack crack crack you control me/ you compel me/ beyond any degree of control you compel you/ you entice me so i shuffle my way down to the high street and spend money on you i cannot afford/ once you are in my cheek i am ecstatic/ i get you home and although it would be profitable to do so i cannot wait/ even if i have just vomited and i have corrupt saliva hanging from my bottom lip i will still raise the pipe to my lips and smoke you/ and then oh sweet jesus, the divine, beautiful pleasure/ but i suppose anything so divine cannot be granted man for anything more than an instant/ and then how i pay/ paranoia, self-reproach, edginess, and on and on and on till i drown these terrible feelings in cheap, toxic booze, to wake the next morning terrified at myself and the world, till i'm up and plotting once more...

feeling great/ a clockwork day/ mum for lunch and swift through all the crap: booze, food, &c./ then the essential (script) tres quick(and no piss screen) and with fifty in hand a divine three and three was so mine/ then home and soooooo high (bliss, by the path) and then higher and Higher/ then to a beautiful building in holborn, crashing a deloitte party for much (surprisingly) not phenomenal wine before home for a five finger vintage and now sit and scheme on my next buzz/ l8rz pusseez...

anger/ assailed by vitriol as i woke i lay a subsequent four hours, mind racing with thoughts of all the times she's let me down/ god there are so many/ i cannot stand her/ and when i put it into perspective i almost weep for i cannot believe that i've stayed/ one of the main reasons for my staying is security/ well, my overriding reason is security/ from the moment i was allowed out i was on the run from home/ and from then on found i'd no real security at all/ my experiences at home had made me prickly, so i tended to alienate or just eschew others, finding comfort only in drugs/ then with jo i had no need of a facade/ so i slipped into the most profound depression and psychosis/my only input at one point was her deranged character and boy did it almost kill me/ but i could never leave/ the only time i got close she said 'so we won't meet for lunch anymore then' (something we did daily) and i was so overwhelmed with pity i couldn't go/ and to be quite brutal i think the two most powerful fuels which fed the engine which drove me back to her were possessiveness and jealousy/ i couldn't bear the thought of someone else getting 'all her best', like the song say/it must be terrible for the woman in this position, loathed but for the potential of her body/ the shit guys say and do and put up with just for a bit of pussy is phenomenal/ but one thing concerns me is that my view of women in general has been severely tainted by my association with jo/ i used to treat women with utmost respect/ i never entertained, indeed would recoil in horror from thoughts of physical or sexual violence towards them/ now these are some of my keenest pleasures/ i do not necessarily blame her/ i have chosen to stay/ but to say that she is responsible for a new strain of loathing in me is absolutely true (just as is she was a kind, nice person she'd be responsible for prompting very different feelings in me/...