the blues the blues the blues...so, bro. over alba out the jour/ waiting for the penny to drop, the work to flow and to leave this rut/ but, when i think about it, it's not a rut/ the amount i've learned about music in the past year is truly astounding/ my writings improved/ it's much sharper and clearer and i think more melodius/ willie mae 'big mama' thornton, unlucky girl, on the deck/ for some great blues check out my thou-tube channel: http://www.youtube.com/billyshitcheese/

listening to watermelon in easter hay, zappa, the usual psychedelic parody drivel at the beginning/ a genius for the mediocre, to be certain, tho' some of his stuff is pretty decent/ now big mama thornton, hound dog, featuring buddy guy/

mens i is over da pale cheese disk (i believe globe is more accurate tho' don't sound as nice- moreover i fear these jours one must explain evvah-thang...chamone m'th'r-f'k'r)/ 've just discovered a rich vein of early chicago blues, which is basically the delta blues made electric and even sharper/ stunning/ george 'harmonica' smith, jb hutto and his hawks, buddy guy (d'course), earl hooker, the wolf, skip james, eddie boyd, earl hooker...the lyst goeth upon oond upon ooond upON/ i'm over the fucking spheres blood/ just when i think there's no more music out there for me to discover and to thrill me, something like this (usually) happens/ the blues has had such a prestigious history, patton, house, johnson, james, mctell, willie johnson in the early days, then wolf and of course the surviving early guys, then the cap., then the reclamation of blues in the ghettos of chicago/ what i find truly astounding is the sheer quality of output, every record heavy with emotion and excellent musicianship/ there's footage of jb and the hawks playing a tiny basement bar in chicago and the bassist plays his part with one hand on the fret whilst lighting a cigarette and stepping aside to let people walk past/ not only does he look effortlessly cool, he comes out with the thickest, fattest bassline whilst the drummer, who appears to be asleep, keeps excellent time/ the blues was my first love and i'm thankful there's such a huge amount of quality material/ currently reading dh loz, women in love/

zappa, cosmic debris, upon th' box, iced bier twain the droit/ ass-holes in action?/ mumbo jumbo?/ i think not.../ anyway been genuinely hypnotized by j.b. hutton and junior wells this post ten + two, oui in-dee-D/ about to observe 24 hr party people for the umpteenth o'clock-reading-at-the-point-and-only-at-the-point-at-which-it's-read, as long as that which is read corresponds precisely with whatever is recognised as 'the time'...know what ah mean, brother?/ most like-ah-leh nat...

all good, bob dylan, highway 61 on the deck/ got to earn some bread, man/ i just have such a powerful antipathy to work, i mean it really scares me/ i've not had the best experience of hard work, a combo of generous parents, easy academic success, tutor and peer flattery and 28, yes 28 shitty fill-in jobs has cemented some ideas in my mind what are not conducive to success/ as the great pablo p said, inspiration does exist but it must find you working/ when i work at writing i get good quick but, as well as a love of and facility with language i've for a long time been in love with the idea of being a writer/ however a combination of fear of failure, realising just how hard one must work and the fact there are a lot of chumps writing out there has really devalued the whole notion for me/ i know it's gratifying to create, achieve, overcome and set er ah and when i'm into something i certainly don't lack ingenuity or zeal/ and sometimes i wonder 'maybe it's not for me, if it don't just flow all the time', but then is that defeatist?/ possibly/ refer to the russell quote below.../ right, where am i going with this.../ yes, so selby jr said what got him going was close to death he thought if i die and've done nothing with my life that'll be un-cool so he worked his ass off and wrote a fine book/ but then working from fear...that's terrible/ but then he got probably more out of that experience than not going through it/ yes, that's it, of course there are no absolutes so one has to settle for the best possibilities/ and maybe concentrate on the positive outcomes rather than constantly pour over reasons for, possible outcomes (as one knows no one can predict any outcome...at best one can get lucky)/ ok, so i should write because i feel frustrated when i don't and gratified when i do/ and maybe if i just get on with it my mental block re: work will be chipped down, blown away even...hum...martin hannett...i don't know, but then neither do you, or you, or you for that matter, but shouldn't we at least try?/ tyes, yes we should/ ok then i will/ good for you, pessimism is a disease and we don't like those, do we?/ i'm not sure/ well that's your problem/ but some claim surety is absurd so that's a problem/ yes but then one does nothing...common sense must be applied/ label labels labels...suicide/

doing boo-eh-no: hearing near restored to full capacity; i'm ready, muddy waters, on the stereo; iced stella to my near right; duck and cognac pate on granary toast with organic normandy butter to my near left/ sp-ice.../ just procured a month's worth of are-ex, my cupboards already overflowing with an excess of opiates/

everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.

bertrand russell

out of the woods/ ears near restored, dropout boogie, captain beefheart on the deck/ now it hurts me too, elmore james/ up early in the dark, again/ drinking much less i require less sleep (about 7 hours) and once i'm awake i find it very difficult to lie still/ indeed, so down to 1 btl wine per eve and a mere 17.5mls of methadone uh dey/ i should be completely free of it early next year, which'll be nice.../ i've found it much easier to reduce than i'd been led to believe/ my previous methadone detoxes were rapid and completely unsuccessful/ this time i've been on it 3 years, starting at 100mls plus a hefty habit and currently 17.5mls and no use on top/ my raging alcoholism has clearly been a by product of my reducing but with heroin it was no substitute at all/ moreover i find it quite easy to break my alcohol dependence whereas smack i would crawl through broken glass to acquire/ i've been so long without aitch i no longer have a psychological dependence/ and as profound as the physical symptoms of withdrawal maybe they are hugely exacerbated by psychological factors/ simply knowing a tenner'll stop the agony is enough to make it almost impossible to 'cluck'/ nice/

we hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

aesop.