at early dawn i waken
as the orange glow fades and the
curtain edges brighten.
grey lies beyond, palpable, just
visible, inspiring no joy or hope just
a feeling of sinking tension.
my head is usually thick, fuddled, heavy, painful,
my mouth parched, my throat stabbed repeatedly from the
inside.
i am the only one awake,
and though i share this hour with all humanity
it is my own private hell.
pain in isolation brings its own special terrors,
quite unlike anything else and nothing to
get used to.
i protest to myself
never again
never never never.
but with agonising self-knowledge gained though
many painful moments and days and years i know
i'll do it again, and soon.
i have that feeling common with all the (fairly)
young, that no one shares my
fears.
well, perhaps they don't for
i don't fear death or other men or real
consequences; my fears are terrible for being so vague.
they're a sense, a terrible fog which pervades my
being, clutches my heart, dwarfs my ego and pities my
soul.
i have them all, all the undesirable traits:
low self-esteem, nervousness, cowardice, vanity, paranoia, lust and
hatred; years of anger and hatred, sedimented between my eyebrows.
avarice, need of acceptance, love, recognition; and how unlike other
men i thought myself, how superior i deemed my self to
be.
but no...a delude nut stuck in a rut, no better but perhaps far less
saner than most...
can you tell me?
i devalue all praise,
buckle under any criticism and am utterly
uncertain of anything.
but i brag not on my faults for
i despise my home,
my hell.
nothing to be proud of
though fools think pain makes great
art, and therefore pain is good.
what fucking shit these people spit...
i would love to confer on them one moments
agony and see how they fucking like it.
it is very easy to flirt with the
dangerous, the degenerate, the unknown when you have a
safe place to do it from.
to feel bone white and cold anxiety,
every morning a different and uncertain hell,
never to inhabit a recognizable place.
and when it dissipates you tell yourself you are
thankful for the experience for
how much you've learned.
a futile fucking procession it all:
the stupid certain, the wise full of doubts and those who don't want to
see have their eyelids torn off and can sleep no more.

although drunk fri. and sat. ngt feeling great today/ sank a phenomenally healthy supper last night and retired to bed at 1830, waking at 0900 this morn./ diet is key to mental and physical health/ i just love the fact one can go to a supermarket and for very little money purchase goods that will improve one's mental and emotional disposition/ my mind feel clear and light, weight's dropping off and i look 10 years younger/ viva healthy food!