gd ngt last/ terrible b was followed by delicious w at a gathering of muppets so i home early and to bed/ slept the sleep of those who sleep extremely well and for long periods, waking at 1345 to strong coffee, an excellent breakfast and an argument/ attempting to persuade f to come hither for fun as i am officially fundless/ h'ever this may be unwise re: 'the big picture' since i feel another habit slowly embedding itself in ther marrow of my being/ oh well...

good day yester/ exceedingly pleasant lunchtime smoke followed by a cpl beers then home to relax and sleep/ woke at 1300 with that divine, langorous, early habit feeling in my flesh and bones/ in that condition one can choose to sleep on or rouse, drink strong coffee and go about one's business smiling, smug and warm/ i love h so.../ unfortunately i must now begin a period of abstinence (no funds) but it is only for a cpl wks/ zafe...

indeed, so life for me has become a constant balancing act/ i am no longer (indeed have not been for eight years) able to function without the alba/ life is weights and measures/ my existence with her is far from perfect but the year we broke up i was take to points of despair i've never experienced (and do not wish to experience again)/ h'ever these desparing moments were related only to the thought of her being with someone else/ i didn't (apart from the sex) miss anything about her/ but i do crave an existence free from her petty concerns/ i dunno.../ if i was more secure in myself i'd've been off years ago/

well having left the i-cafe last night something clicked and i went on auto pilot to the spot, whereat met a couple who said i could come to theirs and smoke/ 'twas a longish way but always so pleasant to smoke in comfortable surroundings/ anyway we smoked through the w and 'kingston' passed around some weed and we drank a bottle of port i'd acquired on the way/ when i'd done my last pipe i left and as soon as i hit the cold night air realised i was overwhelmingly fucked/ now situations such as these always terrify me because i am 99.9% of the time totally unable to get even close to finally fucked/ now my intake in terms of quantity had been far from excessive, but i'd been mixing it up something righteous: mixing k, beer and methadone in a glass; as usual trebling my anti-depressant intake; smoking two huge dollops of h in less than 10 minutes; whole stones on the gauze/ but i think what did it more than anything else was the variouys and thus volatile mixture of alcohol combined with weed/ this may sound absurd, but only because weed has a erroneously innocuous image/ i feel far more compus after a fat smoke of each and a large drink that i do after two spliffs of skunk and a couple of pints/ this was even (or especially the case) when i was smoking 1/4 oz. skunk a day/ a friend of mine whom has recently come into the fold expressed a similar sentiment the other day, to wit that he sees god's own medicine and w as far less objectable than weed/ now this statement, like any other, is also objectionable, but you get the point...

so much for 1/2 baked intentions/ h'ever, 2days consumpton not too excessive: 2 stella; 1/2 kronie; 1 k; 8 whiskeys; 2 b/ wth regard to the latter i subscribe to the principle promulgated by one of burrough's fellow resident's at lexington in junky/ roughly: i can get a whole room of the stuff but without worry it ain't worth the hassle/ ni've always agreed wth ths in theory but buggered it in practise/ now i'm adhering to it more but bizzarely unless i have total worry fre access i find worry always attends/ but at least i'm making progress (id est 'adhering to it more')/

but how long will i stay off?/ i have the potential at the moment to dress dapper for a purpose and make a decent amount of money, and my boredom with alot of stuff will no doubt drive my work/ why do i drink?/ one reason is the gaping emptiness i see in the streets, particularly those of central london/ there is no place i know more deafening and cavernous than tottenham court road, alone at lunch time/ grey and horrendous when one is without purpose or companionship...

bored bored bored...off to see a tubby gp this eve about my drinking/ currently 'working'/ keep feeling twinges to buy drink or drugs or both but just don't really feel that interested/ maybe i'll become a workaholic...