doing extremely well/ abstinent for 113 days and strong in mind & body/

doing really well/ i've reached almost 10 weeks of complete abstinence and am feeling so much better/ i'm emotionally very fragile but this is the first time i've been 'clean' for any substantial period of time in nearly 20 years/ boom.../ i thought life would be empty without drugs and alcohol but it seems not/ i am now an avid drinker of herbal teas, even more strict about my diet and have dropped three stones/ i have periods of chronic psychic pain but these pass/ i am finally starting to love my mind and my emotion, both of which are compromised if not completely fucked under the influence/ peace...

doin' ok.../ on holiday in s- at the moment/ 've drunk far too much coffee today, which messes with the thought processes somewhat, but no matter/ otherwise doing well/ eating extremely well, bathing twice daily, taking an arsenal of supplements, all surefire ways to bolster my fragile psyche/ sometimes feel the old insecurities, id est ones i thought i'd laid to rest, creeping back but they do not linger/ no real desire for heroin or drunkenness of late/ bit of wine with supper then bed is enough/ reading henry miller and stockpiling books, though i've not finished all on my shelves/ oh well...

doin' v. well/ up early this morning/ the day was already baking & it's going to be 30 degrees c today/ gorgeous/ working from 1230 then radio station from 1730/ my show is to continue indefinitely, which is nice/ so, d'late...working quite hard, drinking prodigious amounts of water and losing weight/ still boozing (betwixt two & five cans stella/eve) and occasionally smoking crack 'n' smack (about once or twice/week) but generally in good health/ reach...

doin' 'k'/ today mother coming for lunch then to radio to put together tonight's show/ since last wrote...'ve a new job which is (slightly) better paid/ been doing heroin quite a bit but've managed to avoid a habit/ losing weight as drinking less/ mentally not doing too badly though if i don't take the tablets the ruinous thought-processes kick in/ sleeping reasonably well most of the time/ c'est ca...

doin' well/ since my last post only used once/ back on anti-depressants but at a very low dose/ whoever invented citalopram should get a fucking nobel prize/ what else...not much/ been having great sex d'late and seem to be beyond the booze mist, getting riotously fucked only once a week/ i just cannot take the hangovers any more/ they've become acute even from beer or wine and since i'm making some small effort to work at the mo' i can't really bear that with a vile hangover/ getting proper back into cleanliness twain, which is a kick in itself/ i sometimes worry about how long it'll be before i tire of it and end up on the smack again or worse the spirits/ but i'm trying to enjoy this spell of calm while it lasts/ temporal...

feeling just a tad off kilter/ wednesday night had my bro. over and we got very wrecked, 6 bottles of wine, spliffs and much codeine/ thus spent most of yesterday in limbo, though got much done/ today been productive but feeling odd/ currently uploading my radio shows to youtube/

if ever i feel down i must remember how far i've come in a year/ this time last year i was addicted to methadone, heroin and crack, taking up to 100 mg of citalopram and drinking 30 - 40 units of alcohol a day/ i had to get drunk just to go to work and, as i was reducing methadone, spent the time i wasn't working asleep/ i was bloated and constantly sweating/ also aside from getting utterly fucked, i had no other purpose/ now i no longer sweat and my only addiction is alcohol/ i can interact with people without having to take 100 mg of citalopram or 4 pills (ecstasy)/ i can smoke puff without serious adverse consequences/ i do need to lose weight and cut down drinking but in the round i've done fucking well/ i feel sickened when i think of my drinking last summer (up to 2 bottles of vodka a day for about 6 months) but i was coming off a 6 year heroin and methadone addiction with no counselling or medication/ i can also now see beyond just getting fucked/ i wash almost every day/ i wear clean clothes (most of the time)/ and whilst i hate my job i've started to get to know a couple of people there and at the station i get on pretty well with most of them/ gone are the days when i needed large quantities of anti-depressants and/or ecstasy to socialise/ so yeah i just need to be more patient with myself and thank fuck i'm alive and getting better/ ease...

off work with some strain of 'fluenza/ not an unpleasant morning though/ felt so shoddy yester spent most of the day in bed sleeping/ and whilst the previous night wouldn't've helped (2 btls wine; 3 cans lager; 2 bags v strong smack; 30 mg codeine) i am ill/ anyway slept right through the night, rising at 0930 to call in sick/ this morn. 've been listening to cab calloway and charlie parker and drinking tea/ i'm now sipping a glass of very pleasant shiraz and listening to more parker/ outside rain falls, in all a very peaceful scenario/ relax...

i virtually never use these jours/ however today i 'copped' and oh my good golly gosh....the cheap foil is of a good thickness, the cheap lighter has a strong flame and the gear is exceptional/ 13th floor elevators are on the headphones and a state of bliss pertains/ i sometimes think if there is such a thing as god, he has occasional moments of benevolence/ believe...

all well/ a sedate day of job hunting and tea/ up late again last night though took significantly less codeine than the previous evening/ watched slumdog millionaire then the tedious quadrophenia/ slept in till 1000 then up to do various chores and source some interviewees/ now cooking a curry and drinking red wine/ running low on codeine so must either slow down or secure some more/ however i've little cash and i'm also not too keen on another addiction/ keep plugging away...

doin' 'k'/ drinking red, listening to the orb and cooking a roast/ what's new?/ good jour at work yesterday then home to fat special fried rice/ stayed up till 5 am listening to derek & clive and richard pryor, leadbelly and robert johnson, washing down much codeine with whiskey and beer/ woke at 1200, drank four cups of tea and washed down a variety of pillules/ been feeling very pleasant all post-noon and expect to feel even more so as the evening progresses/ the orb's back side of the moon is making a lot of sense/ chill...um?...

doin' 'k'/ 'ving 'd three hangover free days i'm really feeling it this morn./ was meant to dj last night but instead stayed in, drank a bottle of red and downed 60 mg codeine/ then'd more than passable sex and slept in till 0900/ feeling sludge-fuck and need a bath but other than that ok/ made the dire mistake of going to work in a local internet cafe - no wifi, shit-fuck weak coffee and i'll've to pay for my internet use/ gipped/ i'll just stay for a half hour then go home, bathe and leave the house for 1300/ 've to conduct an interview at 1400 then home and shit-piss work bollox tomorrow/ breathe...

doin' ok, seignior-eh/ went to kip at 1030pm last night 'ving watched some of the dire children of men & woke at 9am feeling good/ drank a fair slice yester.: 3 cans stella (5.2 %) & 2 1/2 cans of super strength co-op lager (8/5 %), totalling about 16 units/ however i ate even more healthily that usual: prawn stirfry for lunch & a strong prawn curry for supper, both heavily supplemented with chilli oil and chilli paste/ the latter are rich in omega 3 and vit. c, so this combined with the vit. pills &c can only've a beneficial affect/ currently making coffee and staring at the mist/ serene...

drinking a can of co-op super strength lager (8.5 %)/ shit day at work yester but got home, had sublime fish curry then 60 mgs codeine and a few beers/ sleep v well & woke with an untroubled mind/ oh how divine all drugs on the opiate ladder/ gouchie...

doin' ok/ had one small relapse a cpl days ago/ spoke with someone i'd not seen in 18 months and he told me an old friend of ours'd died, fucked on ketamine and smoking heroin on a dirty mattress in a south london squat/ charming/ thus i drank much whiskey and then went to a friend-who-is-still-using's house/ thereat drank much bell's, got high and walked home in the snow at 430am/ felt ok yesterday but psyche pretty battered today/ been maintaining but now having a beer and feeling considerably better/ dj-ing tonight, which always cheers me on/ what else...not much/ listening to myself on the radio at the mo', which is definitely lifting my mood/ oh to be without psychological dysfunctions/ like the uniquely untroubled rasta would suggest, meditate...

waking d'late with mind ravaged by raw winds of hate & not purely in consequence of booze/ e.g. yester drank only 2 sml whiskies at 1200pm then four small beers whilst i tidied and cooked supper/ not having much to concentrate my mind the last few days is a factor/ from a show a week and then a very busy christmas and new year i'm now in limbo awaiting my next show/ should really work on applications and try and find interviewees but i'm not/ not glutted on porn, booze or drugs lassitude must be the cause of my negative mood/ this morning even the snow failed to move me, p'haps because i went to bed at 730pm, woke again at midnight and thence suffered broken sleep till 815am/ currently drinking divine coffee and listening to capt. beefheart/ money money money...

woke feeling ok this morn./ 2 coffees for b'fast & currently resisting the urge to've a brandy/ my mood's been fluctuating of late so maybe i need to go back onto the anti-dep.s/ wae kens eh?/ might be doing a show this friday, might not/ if so 't will be on prince far i/ what else...'tis freezing in ldn at the mo', literally/ sent a b'day card to my dad for the first time in years, which shows relations are thawing, haw haw/ any-fuck, listening to chopin nocturnes and not feeling trop special in the mind, which is nice/ out & about...

not a bad day: much music, little booze (1/2 btl blanc, 1/2 btl rouge and a glass of cava with brandy) and beaucoup cooking/ soon bed and hopefully some fux...

doin' jus' fine/ fucking slammed it over new year/ to a mate's in w. ldn the day before new y'rs eve for lunch which turned into a 14 hour drinking & smoking (only old school hash tho' blud) binge/ then new years eve to friends of the alba for such a vile cocktail of booze (cava, prosecco, red & blanc vin, gin, cointreau, brandy, baileys and beer) i'm amazed i survived the h'over/ i did so by drinking the moment i woke new years day, cava & grapefruit 1/2 pints by the many then rum & milk before bed at 9 pm/ work yesterday, another horribly successful day, and a single bottle of hobgoblin beer on the bus home before healthy supper & early bed/ thus feeling great (it's all relative, innit) this dawn/ keep calm and carry on...