Oooh you're a naughty mess

so anyway, in the round i do feel a lot better/ i find it far easier to resist wandering down destructive thought routes/ i find i have a lot more energy, which is a high in itself/ i'm also sleeping fucking well/ i thought i'd suffer insomnia but no/ i go to bed at a reasonable hour and rise around eight, having slept pretty much the whole night through/ it's magical/ i just refuse to waste any more of my life engaged in petty self-destruction/ i'm going to get fit and start enjoying life/ and i'm going to stop being such a fucking hypocrite and being mad at jo for sleeping with other people when we were apart/ not only did i do the same, i did it when we were together/ countless prostitutes, several guys, several girls, i kissed about 10 people atop including my best mates girl friend/ but when one is a cheater one measures others by one's own standards and thus thinks e.g. one's woman is at it when she's not/ and the times she has been she's been perfectly justified in doing so/ i just feel so hurt by it because we had been in a relationship for eight years (my first long term) and it didn't feel like we'd properly broken up (we saw each other every week and slept together not a few times)/ i just wish i had her capacity to get over things/ when her first relationship ended she found out her man of 6 years had gone off with her best friend (if you knew her you'd realise, he's not a bad guy)/ now under these circumstances i'd have killed myself/ no question/ but what does she do?/ gets a job, goes about her life and in a few months is going out with me/ then a few weeks into our relationship she invite ex and friend out with us to a club night i was putting on/ now are we fucking extreme opposites or what?/ i think she's just so used to massive emotional blows and then having to get on like nothings happened that she can seem like she doesn't care/ but i'm sure she does/ i've just become so disenchanted with her/ when i first met her she had no friends (literally)/ we slept together having known each other four days (if i sleep with someone i usually like things to move a little faster, but hey) and she moved in with me a week after meeting me/ i was a little surprised that apart from a girl she knew at work (cathrine) she had no friends/ it didn't take long before she was waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying and soon ensued a five year barrage of vitriol directed at everyone who'd ever wronged her i.e. pretty much everyone she'd ever met/ a year into our relationship i hated everyone she'd ever told me about/ she was so monumentally screwed up and this she (and i) believed was in no way her fault but the fault of everyone who'd ever mistreated, misunderstood or indeed wronged her in anyway/ but after a while small inconsistencies in her stories started to show up/ the most glaring of these being the fact that apparently her ex, who owed her money and had broken every fibre of her heart and soul had been 'such a sweet boy'/ what?/ indeed/ she had this way of making me feel so sorry for her and i would buy into everything she told me whole heartedly/ and the more i listened and supported, the more she wailed and complained and cried/ now i'm sure if you've been in this situation you'll understand that no matter what has happened to someone, no matter how sorry you feel for them, the more they go on and on about it, and everything else that is wrong, you begin, after a while, to not give a shit/ at first i felt bad/ i thought /my, this girl's had such a terrible time, how can i be annoyed at her for being upset/ but the fact is after a while they do it not because they need the sympathy but because they become addicted to the sympathy, and particularly when this person has had no real love in their life they have to find something/ and because she's attractive and small and has a well practiced manner she can elicit sympathy from no end of gullible, lonely people/ recently she told me she was surprised that early on on our relationship i didn't run a mile/ why didn't i?/ i was depressed, very lonely and i did feel sorry for her/ why am i still here?/ because i'm still depressed, still lonely and i still feel sorry for her/ plus jealousy if she ends up with someone else/ you expect when you've put a lot in to get a lot out/ i'm still waiting/ so am i with her for purely negative reasons?/ i do enjoy relaxing with her/ we've always been very natural in one another's company and seem, i think, to have some sort of weird bond/ she also shows a lot of interest in the things i do/ and she's got better with emotional matters/ in the past she was just like her mum/ she'd elicit sympathy and support till the point of my being exhausted and the minute i needed her support she'd shut off/ i'd never seen anything like it and was shocked but having witnessed her mother's behavior realise that it's not so remarkable (what is remarkable is her infinite capacity for denial and the belief that she is always doing good for others (but only again come to think of it remarkable in itself - this again is a charming trait she has inherited from her mother))/burroughs once said he wrote because if he did not he'd would die ('writing for my life' i believe the phrase was)/ well whilst i was saying how much easier it is to resist ruinous thought paths in my current instantiation, i am still assailed/ thus rather than sit there and stew i'll write/ what was angering me as i sat there?/ how easily impressionable she is/ when she was working with pretty awful people she was horrible, self-indulgent, spoilt and prone to massive mood swings/ god i hated her, how i despised her/ but i couldn't leave/ as aforementioned this apparent obsession is predicated on my needing so desperately to resolve things with my father and thus finding someone with similar imperfections to work out my differences with/it also has alot to do with becoming accustomed to someone and the reality then of being alone: what do you do with your time?/ it also has alot to with my dependency issues/ so there are three very powerful emotions keeping me glued to something that is tearing me to pieces inside/ finally jealousy and my own insecurities: jealousy and pain like nothing i've experienced thinking of her with something else and my own insecurities making me think i couldn't do any better/ oh and super-finally the fact i still feel i'm owed/ i dont' want to talke the risk, because the sex is so good, that she 'finds herself' at a later stage in her life whilst with someone else/ that would be supremely unfair/ so these are my many and dysfunctional reasons for staying with her, and the reasons i've stuck around even when it causes me immense pain/ oh and another thing: when, e.g. i've had a serious panic attack and she's just st there impassive (or worse told me i'm faking it because only she experiences real panic attacks (i kid you not)), i want her to look after me and soothe me the way i did her (countless times and in times of far greater emotional distress than a panic attack)/the irony is, for all this vitriol when she returns i'll be attentive and loving (see Lady Jane in LJ and John Thomas)/ so human beings are naturally self-protective and fly from anything which causes them pain/ i also used to do this with my father, but then there were not all these 'things' at work/ it is a veritable cauldron of emotions/jesus what the fuck does this achieve?/ of course it's cathartic, but i really need to move forward/ one can't change the past/ one can't expect more than apology form those who've wronged you/ i wish to fuck with every fibre of my being i'd had the strength to have a month or so of great sex and then leave/ i've never had more awful and horrible experience than when i'm with her/ before i met her i was depressed but i'd never been suicidal (never attempted it)/ and before i met her i didn't know it was possible for anyone to be so cruel and heartless/ i've seen her be heartless and cold in a way that would shock anyone/ and no one but me has had these experiences or knows because when she gets to know people its only on a very superficial level/ she's moved from job to job all her life, getting to know people there and just showing the good qualities of herself/ so no one who knows her would believe me if i told them/ the only person who kind of gets it is my brother but he cannot grasp the full horror of the situation, the cavernous agony and pain i feel/ of course this is not all her fault and were i not a depressive and had i good self-esteem etc etc i would not be in this position/ but i am a depressive and i have appalling self-esteem and this is the position i'm in/ and i don't know what to do/ i've never known what to do/ my emotions are so utterly extreme that i couldn't keep my distance when we broke up and so fucked everything up there/ i just feel so trapped/ and if i go where do i go?/ what do i do?/ i'm not like her/ i haven't had the same training in heartlessness (a benefit in life, believe me - i don't see how having a heart, a precondition of being so horribly hurt, is a benefit - well, of course, for all the wonderful experiences, but i'm not sure if its worth it)/ i shall certainly not attempt suicide again/ no way/ but something must be done/ first and foremost i must get back on antidepressants/ the counseling/