doing really well/ i've reached almost 10 weeks of complete abstinence and am feeling so much better/ i'm emotionally very fragile but this is the first time i've been 'clean' for any substantial period of time in nearly 20 years/ boom.../ i thought life would be empty without drugs and alcohol but it seems not/ i am now an avid drinker of herbal teas, even more strict about my diet and have dropped three stones/ i have periods of chronic psychic pain but these pass/ i am finally starting to love my mind and my emotion, both of which are compromised if not completely fucked under the influence/ peace...

doin' ok.../ on holiday in s- at the moment/ 've drunk far too much coffee today, which messes with the thought processes somewhat, but no matter/ otherwise doing well/ eating extremely well, bathing twice daily, taking an arsenal of supplements, all surefire ways to bolster my fragile psyche/ sometimes feel the old insecurities, id est ones i thought i'd laid to rest, creeping back but they do not linger/ no real desire for heroin or drunkenness of late/ bit of wine with supper then bed is enough/ reading henry miller and stockpiling books, though i've not finished all on my shelves/ oh well...

doin' v. well/ up early this morning/ the day was already baking & it's going to be 30 degrees c today/ gorgeous/ working from 1230 then radio station from 1730/ my show is to continue indefinitely, which is nice/ so, d'late...working quite hard, drinking prodigious amounts of water and losing weight/ still boozing (betwixt two & five cans stella/eve) and occasionally smoking crack 'n' smack (about once or twice/week) but generally in good health/ reach...

doin' 'k'/ today mother coming for lunch then to radio to put together tonight's show/ since last wrote...'ve a new job which is (slightly) better paid/ been doing heroin quite a bit but've managed to avoid a habit/ losing weight as drinking less/ mentally not doing too badly though if i don't take the tablets the ruinous thought-processes kick in/ sleeping reasonably well most of the time/ c'est ca...

doin' well/ since my last post only used once/ back on anti-depressants but at a very low dose/ whoever invented citalopram should get a fucking nobel prize/ what else...not much/ been having great sex d'late and seem to be beyond the booze mist, getting riotously fucked only once a week/ i just cannot take the hangovers any more/ they've become acute even from beer or wine and since i'm making some small effort to work at the mo' i can't really bear that with a vile hangover/ getting proper back into cleanliness twain, which is a kick in itself/ i sometimes worry about how long it'll be before i tire of it and end up on the smack again or worse the spirits/ but i'm trying to enjoy this spell of calm while it lasts/ temporal...

feeling just a tad off kilter/ wednesday night had my bro. over and we got very wrecked, 6 bottles of wine, spliffs and much codeine/ thus spent most of yesterday in limbo, though got much done/ today been productive but feeling odd/ currently uploading my radio shows to youtube/

if ever i feel down i must remember how far i've come in a year/ this time last year i was addicted to methadone, heroin and crack, taking up to 100 mg of citalopram and drinking 30 - 40 units of alcohol a day/ i had to get drunk just to go to work and, as i was reducing methadone, spent the time i wasn't working asleep/ i was bloated and constantly sweating/ also aside from getting utterly fucked, i had no other purpose/ now i no longer sweat and my only addiction is alcohol/ i can interact with people without having to take 100 mg of citalopram or 4 pills (ecstasy)/ i can smoke puff without serious adverse consequences/ i do need to lose weight and cut down drinking but in the round i've done fucking well/ i feel sickened when i think of my drinking last summer (up to 2 bottles of vodka a day for about 6 months) but i was coming off a 6 year heroin and methadone addiction with no counselling or medication/ i can also now see beyond just getting fucked/ i wash almost every day/ i wear clean clothes (most of the time)/ and whilst i hate my job i've started to get to know a couple of people there and at the station i get on pretty well with most of them/ gone are the days when i needed large quantities of anti-depressants and/or ecstasy to socialise/ so yeah i just need to be more patient with myself and thank fuck i'm alive and getting better/ ease...