Monday 24 November 2008

been up about an hour, sober energy driving through my malady/ went to bed obscenely early, 'ving been up obscenely early and, though busy and fucking ill all day lay awake for hours, fearing an attack of the dreaded insomnia/ h'ever eventually fell into a series of light dreams and slept till about 0600, which isn't too bad/ i'm hoping it's just a symptom of adjustment/ in fact, i think it is/ i remember giving up cannabis in 2000 for a few months and for the fist four weeks lying awake till two every morning/ any-route...other than this bug feeling pretty good/ it's amazing when one gives up alcohol the rapidity with which one's faculties return/ i think a combination of constitution and age allow me to recover quite quickly/ i don't even suffer withdrawal which, if the substance was heroin and the quantity and duration of use the same, i would to an unthinkable degree/ and though off the booze maintaining at 20mls methadone and no citalopram/ nice/ and i know it's early days and my attempts over the past cpl years to dry out 've failed comically but one can but try (at least the desire is still there - i think when one becomes resigned to one's fate all is lost (though some say much is gained))/ i just want to be free of it because it has no benefits outside of drunkenness, and that i haven't felt in the pleasant sense (everything generated by it's opposite) in years/ fuck and i'm only just 29/ booze is shit/ and the thing is, when i think about it, it's not like heroin, i don't get a host of cherubim singing in my brain, i feel sick and repelled/ i don't like booze (though i do a very convincing impression of someone who does)/ i am simply drawn to it by default/ in the ingenious words of viz's suicidal syd, i'm out of the frying pan...and into not being dead!

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