Oooh you're a naughty mess

hum...well, dollah ewd (owed?) for an article tempted me to maison d's. (with which regular reader's'll be familiar)/ thereat purchased 2&2 or 'two of each' and entertained a most interesting smoke (i say interesting because the 'b' was heavily cut with novocaine thus numbing the cheeks and causing a slight jittery feeling in your dear author)/ upon leaving i bought 20cls high commissioner whiskey to assuage, which it did, but also caused profound sweating, inviting some attention on the bus/ the driver'd filled the bus and it could barely move, prompting some loudmouth to vociferate/ this distressed the driver, in turn prompting a nearby vicar to remark 'do you have no compassion?'/loudmouth replied 'what tha' fak's compassion?'/ there was no laughter but at the next stop a stampede ensued/ an almighty crunch was heard as the horde dislodged the floor beneath the doors and, when the doors tried to close they got stuck/ the driver shut off the engine and restarted it but the doors would not slide back into position/ an obese and hysterical woman lunged at the them, another CRACK was heard and the floor sank further/ in perspiring fury i pressed the emergency button, barged past several tonnes of delirious flesh and hit the street/ iced air smoothed my drenched back and i post-piss-quivered in delight/ the doors whoosed shut behind me and i stalked away, mindful of a poor girl getting on through the front doors/