pondered the dynamics of a film of the self's diaries en route to and from the pharmacy/ i dearly wish to convey what an absolute wanker the alba is and how deeply flawed i am/ one comfort i take from all i've suffered is i know how people are endeared to me and hate the alba/ how can anyone genuinely like a prick?/ i want detailoed scenes of the classic eton renuion in notting hill she came to with me ('they all say i'm a free floating person and how amazing that is. how many black women do you know who drink in pubs? you only exist in your comfort zone, but i...(continues)'/ this is just a brief fragment of an indident of which there are almost innumerable others/ what a prick/ i remember she even said when we were drinking with some of her colleagues that she hoped i didn't write what wankers they are (plato's subset at work again)/ anyway, i've the fire...i just need to channel it/

listening to howlin wolf and happy/ good night last/ cheated for small change by the infathomable 'murdoch', but what.../ slept in golden warmth and woke feeling refreshed/ yeah, booze...fucking ig-nor-ay-my/ l8rz...

well bore me shore who whore he?/ went tea tots yester but with cash in hand today had a divine can stella/ ran into one of my associates in tooting but was tragically low on funds/ offered him my divine angora scarf for trade but he thought i was joking!/ so with the funds i've i'll get drunk, sleep like a corpse dead in a copse fire and then tomorrow think of other ways to deal with myself/ walking on the common with alba and pater nticed thie tightests, fittest blond thing, 1979 splayed across her plump tight buttocks/ thus a course of running might find a destination for my raging libido and some variety/ with care of self i do incredibly well/ currently i still have a rough, robust attractiveness but my drinking physique is not for everyone and this girl was flie/ oh that ass!/

feeling good/ off to aa tonight/ it'll sharpen my skills and put an end to the constant nagging i suffer...

well, what a shock/ i am technically homeless and separated from my partner/ the house we were to move into is now no longer available to me because i speak my mind and do not let things go un said for the sake of a quiet life/ perhaps i'm more sensitive than most but the resentment which lurks and grows beneath the surface i feel acutely/ and judjing by the ractions of those i confronted, they must feel it too/ h'ever i refuse to feel bad, to suffer/ whilst my recent out burst has put me in a pretty undesirable position, at least we're liberated from the oppressiveness of other peoples bullshit and know exactly where we stand/ and when all of this is over, we'll be better than ever...

tis wednesday/ intake exceeding proper, though for now i cannot stomach recounting my intake of the last three days/ i take comfort from mentally going through an index of blackout drunk authors, most of whom survived till old age/ but how does one quit something one enjoys so much and doesn't compromise one's life?/ the only reason i might quit is the specter of horrible decay and death, but this seems so abstract it has no effect on me/ doing some painting and decorating today and praising the fact it's 1200 and i'm sober/

good day yester/ intake de: 3 cans k; 40cls scotch; 1 bottle cava; 1 can special brew; 4 rx; 360mgs citalopram; 6 pillules ignatia; 2 ibuprofen; 4 paracetamol/ then day before: 5cls islay single malt; 10 cans k; 240mg citalopram/how i'm stille alive i know not/ will attempt to take it easy today but well, you know how it goes/ surprisingly i don't feel too bad/ i slept for 12 hours and went for coffee around 1330/ currently sweating...