Oooh you're a naughty mess

feeling ok/ see below for yesterday's intake/ woke sick this morning but methadone is doing it's work/ sipping kenyan and typing/ almost finished enderby, which i've rather enjoyed/ sex drive has returned recently to the point i feel i might explode/ it's very pleasant/ am considering a return to a healthier regime/ last summer, whilst i was caining it, i was a picture of health: tanned, slim and fit/ i'm now over weight (one consequence of a years heavy drinking) and whilst not unfit, i could be alot better/ the reduction in my methadone dose bought on, in part, my heavy drinking/ and, as with anything else, one's tolerance increases and one gets so used to whatever one does with any degree of regularity one forgets 'things' were (or could be) any other way/ e.g. i cannot imagine drinking any less than 16 units a night/ rarely these days do i over do it and clock in at 50 plus, but my mean is around the 25/30 unit mark/ the most noticeable consequence of this excess is my weight/ i'm 6ft exactly (183 cms) and went from a very respectable 12 stone to an enormous 15 stone/ i barely eat (twice a day and very healthy food too) so the drink must be to blame/ moreover i did used to cycle alot/ i replaced cycling, for a period, with walking (about 5 miles/day) but this has recently ceased/i only speculate thus because i miss being fit/ to be desired is a wonderful thing and, for some reason, i've been feeling acutely undesirable of late/ my weight is the main cause/ rather my depression is the main cause and my weight a tangible corollary/ my usually unshakable self-belief has, of late, been severely shaken/ and i don't like it/ alcohol is a depressant, so i'm sure makes it's contribution/ also withdrawal causes depression, as do depressing states of affairs (various issues between the albatross and i)/ thus i've many reasons to be depressed/but luckily i have interests and am resourceful enough to avoid spending my days in an inert funk/ my spells of vile and sordid speculation are confined to those moments when i lie bedridden with a hangover in the early hours of the morn/