doin' ok/ mildly hungover, first time in a week/ drank and cooked sublime food last night followed by uber-majik sex and then watched the wire/ bed around 0100/ my week's been ok - almost finished editing film at college, got a job next week at a radio station in l- bridge (tho' it does start on my b'day), carnival this weekend &c./ h'ever 'cause of the job can't get too wasted at carnival/ oh well.../ feeling good in the mind/ the tablets, which i take before bed, seem to be working/ eating a lot of fish, mackerel, salmon &c. and taking epa and vitamin tablets/ also off spirits/sticking to beer and wine/ got an app. at the doc.'s tonight so'll request more counselling/ one can't get enough...

doin' ok/ five days 'sober' (id est not drunk)/ few beers and a cpl whiskeys pre-supper and citalopram before bed works a treat/ my head's been ok(ish) for a while now/ not going back to mind distended & spread over ceiling, walls and floor/ innit?

now the comforting blanket of opiates and booze's been pulled back i'm raw and prone to serious fluctuations of mood/ e.g. at work i never bother to talk with many people, merely because i have no interest in doing so/ i was warned at my pay review this had been 'noted' and i was a 'strong presence' and should be wary of this/ i thought 'what the fuck, i don't notice other's, why should they notice me?'/ but on saturday i spoke to virtually no one, read my book and felt acutely aware that this bothered others/ consequently i thought about work after work, something i've not done before/ what is so wonderful about opiate intoxication is it allows me to behave as i want/ if i don't want to talk to people i don't and do not give a fuck/ however now i'm suffering unpleasant thoughts & emotions/ i love social contact and am usually very good at it/ however when i willingly slip below the radar and am not blanketed i experience strong feelings of paranoia and persecution/ but i am not willing to counter these by e.g. mingling when that is not what i want/ true the opiate-alcohol cocoon limits one, but i find it liberating because my emotions give me far too much grief/ hm...