pain, fear, loneliness, all these things contribute to, nay are catalysts for literary success/ an allowance is required so one can cultivate anguish/ i got a first out of fear and loneliness (mainly fear)/ was i happy whilst studying?/ no, but it made the hours slightly more tolerable/ it is difficult to torment oneself when trying to figure out what hegel was on about (i'd pick the work of those whom philosophy people said were difficult -anything too easy and i could run torment alongside my working train of thought/ moreover at the time i was smoking dizzying amounts of skunk and drinking cup post cup of strong coffee, so anytime i could concentrate was precious)/ so what do you get for your efforts?/ momentary release from a terrible life and, if one's efforts bear fruit, absurd egomania shot through with despair re: the dichotomy of your self-image and the sainted grade/novel/whatever and attendant praise/ there are better ways to survive/

feeling marginally better for b'fast out/ 've just written a poem in an attempt to leave some tangible trace of me today/ 1141...contemplating a glass of red, though i really shouldn't (indeed, even contemplate)/ the first time i hauled myself out of a deep and slimy pit of psychosis i did so by writing constantly/ every emotion, thought, sensation i experienced i'd catalogue in minute detail in an attempt to objectify what had become an intolerable nightmare generated by massive introspection/ and it worked/ i became, as a result of my psychosis, terrified of my mind and the thoughts it would generate/ but seeing them laid down in black and white took away their power/ anyway h'over's possessing the superior of me, so i'll write later...

head befuddled and muddled, symptoms of yesterday's sickening excess/ i cannot stomach listing my intake de/ ecoute-ing big brother amd the holding company, turtle blues, and making a vain attempt with the aid of black coffee and a variety of homeopathic remedies to redress this wretched situation/ janice just fucking stuns my face into contortions that connote feelings of ecstasy/ play her next to any soul singer and, with the exception of billie she kills them all/ ploos (non rein a what?) she wrote lyrics rather than trotting out canons worths of standards/ i'm like a turtle, hiding under it's horny shell, but i'm very well protected, i know this goddamned life too well/ gen-E-uz/ coffee finished i now feel marginally better/

Cocktails, my substitute for pistol and ball

pills
pills pills pills
take pills to
enhance
tolerate
maintain
balance a balance of
drunkenness and alertness
relaxation and agitation
outgoingness and restraint

pills pills pills and
booze booze booze
fucking booze
one desire operational, they say
self-destruction, a death wish

but no, as usual they are wrong

i am simply a hedonist, a pleasure seeker
and my desire for
pleasure is found in some things
good and other
bad things

i want to be
high to not have to
tolerate the tepid stasis of
existence/ but i certainly don't want to
die

so many times have i been
told i'm self
destructive...
better a hangover than the madhouse
a drunk once said and i
concur

better anything or where than
madness and
institutions

so pills booze pills booze
balance
maintain
survive and when your heads twisted and liver's gone...
?

whilst not a fan of dickinson, due in part to my ignorance of her work and general dislike of too formulaic poetry (one can hardly hear the soul scream though such dense and unnecessary cover - if indeed for that type it screams at all) a couple of lines in her death... pome are fairly decent/ moreover it reminds me vaguely of the wonderful climax of dos.'s the double/ currently listening to schubert winterreise/ feeling acceptable today/ yesterday saw a return to something vaguely resembling (or trying to ape) moderation: 2 bottles premium ale (500mls); 4 cans guiness draft (500mls); 1 bottle red (750mls); usual adjuncts/ my musical journey continues at a fair pace though i'm considering a return to classical as it has the most wonderful affect on my temperament and my writing/

've started to take ginseng with my meals/ it's wonderful: it heightens tactile sensations and perception/ currently drinking premium ale and listening to the smiths, the world won't listen/ very little to report other than i've found a tolerable balance of drink and healthy foods and supplements/ however i crave dearly the lucidity of mind one experiences when sober/

about o'clock to scribe some mark of my existence/ not feeling too bad/ 've not posted in over a month for, well, have not been feeling that much self-interest/ write later...leaden curtains are being drawn over my front brain/