Oooh you're a naughty mess

no entry yester/ bad writer/ intake: one bottle wine (14%); 2 cans stella; usual homeopathic adjuncts/ afternoon nap of 3 hours/ night of 11/ sitting sipping etheopian and speculating on how to waste the day/ oh if i could seize/ well, soon/ friday's appointment ok/ they won't put me up to 90mls/ and i've to seek an outside doc. for antis/ so not too pleased, though the building is proof they are well funded: a lavish art deco structure/ i'm now treated somewhere looks like an art gallery rather than a comprehensive school circa 1960/ good news is they might be able to sort me out with psychotherapy/ i'm only 27/ many years yet/and thus far i have learnt alot/ when one passes out of depression one is almost thankful (for experiencing the depression)/ one emerges with a more rounded perspective/ excess and wisdom etc/ i think an excess of any type of perception or experience will necessarily give one a broader outlook/ i'm not feeling too hot at the moment (have not been for a while) but i know from experience that when i emerge from this spell i'll be the better for it/ and then i can grab life by the nuts/ it seems everyone's had their period in the sun/ well i'm going to get mine/working on a story at the mo'/ found a magazine who want to publish some of my stuff/ i should really get my stuff out there more/ however i only really enjoy writing my diary/ i've been keeping a diary for 5 or 6 years now/ they are scattered all over the house/ only recently have i started to keep a digital one/ i find it extremely addictive/ when i set out to write a piece in some other form i find sentences flow easily but its a chore the shoehorn these bits into a pre-determined structure/the only structure of a diary is that it is linear/ stories usually require a bit more structure/ however what's stopping me writing diary as fiction?/ i've also been considering a pseudonym/ did you know mark twain was a pseudo?/ until yesterday, neither did i/ so is tom stoppard; fay weldon; voltaire; tennessee williams/ john le carre; george orwell; jack london; anthony burgess (although the relation here is both were his middle names)/ fascinating/ i know that as soon as the citalopram take hold i'll be way out there/ what worries me is that it gave me such confidence that my infidelities became manifold/ i kissed other girls whilst out with mine/ i'd meet her having just been with a prostitute/ i justified my infidelities with the argument: well, i ain't getting any at home/ if i never broached the subject again we would drift into old age without a single sexual act occurring/ she, of course, has a bizarre relationship with sex/ and it pains me infinitely/ but what would you do reader?/ people say, oh thats terrible, you should leave her if you're not getting what you want from the relationship/ well, what stupid advice/ so easy to give, but anyone who's been in a long term relationship with someone and been through a lot will know, it is so hard to know what to do/ and there is, i'm convinced, no right answer/ its very easy to moralise when looking in from the outside/ but no one really knows what goes on between a couple but the couple/ and advice given always has an agenda/ well more on me later...