bored shitless & reading bukowski/ trying to resist having a beer/ i don't actually want one but it's something to do like/ might go back to bed...

still fucking malady ridden so off work again/ got the job at the radio station, managed college and castings and a fairly busy week besides but feel death ravaged today/ had 11 days off booze tho' not consecutive - thursday night very pissed and stayed up till 0330 watching alien/ consumed a btl white, two guiness and 1/2 btl whiskey/ felt shocking the following day so after a visit to the doc.'s (he say i've a prolonged viral infection since the penicillin did jack shit) bed early after small drinks with v- und the alba/ today rose at 0615, drank coffee, felt shit so phone in sick and since've been reading about marvin gaye, listening to junior well's hoodoo man blues album and masturbating occasionally/ vice...

off to college today/ not completely better but must go in, timesheets &c./ listening to death of a disco dancer par the smiths/ stille off the booze.../ feeling pretty good, sleeping reasonably well so shall try and stick it out for 28 days/ vice...

feeling so much finer/ no booze in one whole week, throat better, almost completely, spirits restored &c/ will cancel work this eve as don't want to risk it - have to be better for college tomorrow/ keep this up & i'll be fired but whatever - some actual bad news'll be a refreshing change from all the bollox i fabricate in the mind.../ i mean what's the worst that can happen?/ any road, i'm on that twain - off to the doc.'s this after to get some cognitive behavioural therapy, get some control over the myre of my thoughts/ listening to the excellent nilsson schmilsson par harry nilsson, herbie flowers on bass/ very nice/ so yeah gonna do the 28 days detox and don't think it'll be a problem/ booze is a good boredem killer but in excess it's a true kunt, a true true cunt/ out...

marginally better today, agonising throat null'd with: 1000 mg paracetamol; 1000 mg ibuprofen; 1000 mg asprin; 100 mg penicillin; 1000 mg omega 3 oil; 1 multi-vit.; 2 pots kenyan coffee, noir/ nice...

my illness persists, now with an agonising sore throat/ the doc.'s put me on anti-biotics and i've got a bag full of ibuprofen, asprin, paracetamol and vitamins/ i feel like fucking shit/ missing college and a casting today and i'll probably miss the same tomorrow/ mcfuck/ 'tis a piss rat but what can one do?/ indeed...

no spirits in two weeks and one day/ doing much better, esp. mentally - feelings of anxiety and deep dread've been largely dispatched/ my appetite's back & i'm sleeping well/ i miss getting high (in the 30's sense, id est drunk) but the price became too high - horrific mental and physical side effects, missing work, profuse sweating (which i'd'd for 3 years but never accepted), arguing with the alba; in all a bad scene/ now i eat healthy food and drink a cpl beers and a btl wine per jour/ that's probably too much but better than 1 & 1 1/2 - 2 btls of vod. plus extras/ i hope it lasts/ i'm optimistic parce que i've sickened of the rollercoaster lifestyle/ i began daily smoking and swallowing drugs 15 years ago and each addiction i've taken to vile extremes/ now some of my demons've been laid to rest i'm hoping i can learn delayed gratification and make some sensible decisions - get my blood pressure down to a reasonable level, let my damaged liver and brain heal, &c./ if i can recover from acute cannabis psychosis, chronic heroin, crack and alcohol addiction i think i can achieve these things/ bizat...