sipping stella to take the edge off last night/ started at house of m, whereat consumed 2 dark 'n' 1 light, then to house of n whereat procured 2 valium (10mg) and then with n to offy for beers en route to the house of s/ at house of s worked my way quickly through 3 light and procured 1 dark which we took to house of d for a relaxing smoke/ then home, where drank a few beers and sat smug and warm in a blanket of h and valium/ around 2100 got bored so out again to house of s, whereat smkd 3 more light and procured another dark which again i took to house of d/ as usual plenty stone there so smoked till the early hours, procuring a can k en way home, then at home chain smoked and drank beer till i passed out en couch/ schweet!

doin' gd/ calm day yester: 3 day cans (stella) then bed at 1630, waking for houres twain at 2205 the back to kip till 0850/ woke with a feeling of optimism and clarity i've not know in decades/ cooked a phenomenal breakfast (organic bacon that seemed to glow with vitality, org eggs, normandy buttered toast and org coffee) and now attempt work and to resist urge to visit marcus...

excellent ngt last/ having scoured the lifeless streets and tower blocks with n for a cpl hrs finally lighted upon some old associates of his whom inhabit the most spectacularly dingy house i've ever seen/ one 'spencer' produced an enormous bundle of stones, his (much) older and decrepit brother produced the pipe and i settled in for the best smoke i've had in years/ they were all suitably impressed with the quantity of my intake, dubbing me a 'badman' who courts 'murder-man pipe'/ i was tickled pink by their recognition and left whipped and deleriously happy/ slept well last ngt and woke feeling great, meeting pa for coffee at nero at 1030/ i put my excellent state of mind down to my quitting k cider/ currently attempting to coerce f into coming over/ l8rz...

gd ngt last/ terrible b was followed by delicious w at a gathering of muppets so i home early and to bed/ slept the sleep of those who sleep extremely well and for long periods, waking at 1345 to strong coffee, an excellent breakfast and an argument/ attempting to persuade f to come hither for fun as i am officially fundless/ h'ever this may be unwise re: 'the big picture' since i feel another habit slowly embedding itself in ther marrow of my being/ oh well...

good day yester/ exceedingly pleasant lunchtime smoke followed by a cpl beers then home to relax and sleep/ woke at 1300 with that divine, langorous, early habit feeling in my flesh and bones/ in that condition one can choose to sleep on or rouse, drink strong coffee and go about one's business smiling, smug and warm/ i love h so.../ unfortunately i must now begin a period of abstinence (no funds) but it is only for a cpl wks/ zafe...

indeed, so life for me has become a constant balancing act/ i am no longer (indeed have not been for eight years) able to function without the alba/ life is weights and measures/ my existence with her is far from perfect but the year we broke up i was take to points of despair i've never experienced (and do not wish to experience again)/ h'ever these desparing moments were related only to the thought of her being with someone else/ i didn't (apart from the sex) miss anything about her/ but i do crave an existence free from her petty concerns/ i dunno.../ if i was more secure in myself i'd've been off years ago/

well having left the i-cafe last night something clicked and i went on auto pilot to the spot, whereat met a couple who said i could come to theirs and smoke/ 'twas a longish way but always so pleasant to smoke in comfortable surroundings/ anyway we smoked through the w and 'kingston' passed around some weed and we drank a bottle of port i'd acquired on the way/ when i'd done my last pipe i left and as soon as i hit the cold night air realised i was overwhelmingly fucked/ now situations such as these always terrify me because i am 99.9% of the time totally unable to get even close to finally fucked/ now my intake in terms of quantity had been far from excessive, but i'd been mixing it up something righteous: mixing k, beer and methadone in a glass; as usual trebling my anti-depressant intake; smoking two huge dollops of h in less than 10 minutes; whole stones on the gauze/ but i think what did it more than anything else was the variouys and thus volatile mixture of alcohol combined with weed/ this may sound absurd, but only because weed has a erroneously innocuous image/ i feel far more compus after a fat smoke of each and a large drink that i do after two spliffs of skunk and a couple of pints/ this was even (or especially the case) when i was smoking 1/4 oz. skunk a day/ a friend of mine whom has recently come into the fold expressed a similar sentiment the other day, to wit that he sees god's own medicine and w as far less objectable than weed/ now this statement, like any other, is also objectionable, but you get the point...