veins filled with slow lead this morn/ smoked boo-coo hezza yester, washed down with a babbling glade of fine white burgundy and some talisker 10/ very pleasant/ of fortune had sur-meth this morn so having combined with several stiff coffee am roughly coming around/ need to slip off at some point and get a couple of bags for the journey/ the gear at the mo exceeds excellent/ moving today, unfortunately/

i am a terrible son and lover/ just phoned mater and extracted cash under false pretences/ and whilst i secured the cash to redress a balance (i've scored more than i should of late) i will score again/ the bags at the moment are just too good: huge and the gear excellent/ a fucking rare combination/ i mean the gear really is excellent/ strong, smooth and leaves plenty of recycle in the mouthpiece/ and the quantity: pee heych wopht/ a large pale rock of quality gear for a tenner is to be sniffed or smoked or jacked at/ so here i sit awaiting the deposit and simmering nicely from my recent smoke/ moving house tomorrow/ the situation exceeds tragic/ however i am not going to let it darken my outlook/ i've resolved firmly to never let depression rule me again/ never again shall i allow my mind to speculate darkly on things to come/ after all, nothing ever happens/ for all the hours, nay days i've spent squirming in the very depths of despair, my mind wildly speculating, extrapolating, postulating horrific, morbid, turgid thoughts, conclusions that are never met in reality/ what a fucking waste, no?/ thus i am billy no worries/ i worry not because worrying is a thoroughly pointless exercise/ even the argument that it is necessary to spur one to action is fallacious/ it may well spur one on to some degree but there are other, less ruinous ways to achieve the same end/ out

having a very relaxed day/ morn out for coffee then across the verdant park to score burgers and the usual/ then home for smoke (four different kinds) and now type/ i do enjoy making entries in my journal/ i like reading them even more/ i love having some sort of memento of my activities/ might retire for an afternoon nap/

excellent day yester/ having suffered insanely for several hours (not sure if it was body detoxing or simply injured by excess) i finally picked up and we (greg, jo, malcom and myself) ventured out for fun/ i went to grays inn squat and picked up, then to brownswood where i got uno and uno and then to restaurant where we drank fairly well before home for spliffs/ a throughly enjoyable day/ my only wish is that jo would let me balance her completely inactive libido with a nice gentle smack habit/ i have picked up a habit recently and consequently am completely untroubled by sexual desires/ its really very restful/ of course i love sex but as one grows older on becomes more realistic (no, not defeatist - how often have has the youthful belief and enthusiasm in the inherent goodness of things been violently thwarted - its why ones perspective changes)

crack crack crack you control me/ you compel me/ beyond any degree of control you compel you/ you entice me so i shuffle my way down to the high street and spend money on you i cannot afford/ once you are in my cheek i am ecstatic/ i get you home and although it would be profitable to do so i cannot wait/ even if i have just vomited and i have corrupt saliva hanging from my bottom lip i will still raise the pipe to my lips and smoke you/ and then oh sweet jesus, the divine, beautiful pleasure/ but i suppose anything so divine cannot be granted man for anything more than an instant/ and then how i pay/ paranoia, self-reproach, edginess, and on and on and on till i drown these terrible feelings in cheap, toxic booze, to wake the next morning terrified at myself and the world, till i'm up and plotting once more...

feeling great/ a clockwork day/ mum for lunch and swift through all the crap: booze, food, &c./ then the essential (script) tres quick(and no piss screen) and with fifty in hand a divine three and three was so mine/ then home and soooooo high (bliss, by the path) and then higher and Higher/ then to a beautiful building in holborn, crashing a deloitte party for much (surprisingly) not phenomenal wine before home for a five finger vintage and now sit and scheme on my next buzz/ l8rz pusseez...

anger/ assailed by vitriol as i woke i lay a subsequent four hours, mind racing with thoughts of all the times she's let me down/ god there are so many/ i cannot stand her/ and when i put it into perspective i almost weep for i cannot believe that i've stayed/ one of the main reasons for my staying is security/ well, my overriding reason is security/ from the moment i was allowed out i was on the run from home/ and from then on found i'd no real security at all/ my experiences at home had made me prickly, so i tended to alienate or just eschew others, finding comfort only in drugs/ then with jo i had no need of a facade/ so i slipped into the most profound depression and psychosis/my only input at one point was her deranged character and boy did it almost kill me/ but i could never leave/ the only time i got close she said 'so we won't meet for lunch anymore then' (something we did daily) and i was so overwhelmed with pity i couldn't go/ and to be quite brutal i think the two most powerful fuels which fed the engine which drove me back to her were possessiveness and jealousy/ i couldn't bear the thought of someone else getting 'all her best', like the song say/it must be terrible for the woman in this position, loathed but for the potential of her body/ the shit guys say and do and put up with just for a bit of pussy is phenomenal/ but one thing concerns me is that my view of women in general has been severely tainted by my association with jo/ i used to treat women with utmost respect/ i never entertained, indeed would recoil in horror from thoughts of physical or sexual violence towards them/ now these are some of my keenest pleasures/ i do not necessarily blame her/ i have chosen to stay/ but to say that she is responsible for a new strain of loathing in me is absolutely true (just as is she was a kind, nice person she'd be responsible for prompting very different feelings in me/...